The Me I Wish I Was

Joining In

2012-02-02T16:11:00.001-06:00

So my friend Dana, who now lives in Egypt, has joined a challenge.

And I’m IN!!!

Yesterday I just happened to get some photos prior to seeing the challenge. Coincidence? I think NOT! A couple were perfect for this assignment. All were taken through our sliding glass door. Can’t quite narrow it down. Probably the upclose of Hope that was supposed to be a picture of Loki, the dog, until little miss ran in front of me.

Today we started off poorly. I think it was me. So I needed to lighten the mood for all of our benefit. So we did this.

Nothing like a little down time, old style!

When?

2012-01-25T15:48:00.001-06:00

So everyone I’ve ever known that has been a workout type of person, has always said that after working out, they feel good. And runners stress that there is a point during a run when the pain melts away and they hit the zone. I would really like to know when this is? I’ve never once felt better after working out….ever. I’ve been in athletics since 7th grade. I started with basketball. When we moved out to the sticks, I was closer to “fast” than at a 5A school and was able to join the track team. I had very little hand-eye coordination and was horrible at basketball except on defense. I still remember the school janitor thanking me during a game for wiping the floor for him (he was downsy and I loved him). This lack of loving a hard workout caused me to quit track, twice. Pain is NOT my friend. When it comes knocking, it doesn’t give up and melt away. It sticks with me. It kicks me. Hard. It is merciless. It tries to kill me. And I have the heart rate at those times to prove that death is mere seconds away.

Now that the computer is back, I once again have access to our P90X workout. Ha! It isn’t a workout. It is a slow torturous adventure making me want to reach out and stab the host of the video. But I can usually restrain myself until the next day. THAT is when I’d like nothing better than to KILL HIM! When I’m so sore I can’t lift anything. When I can’t stand up straight for the ripping pain down my legs and back. When the thought of that afternoon’s workout makes me want to lay down and sleep for a week. There has got to be an easier way to get in shape…..

On a side note, I threw down a challenge to my girls in my Friday morning bible class to bring two completed scrapbook pages to class on Friday… I’m seriously regretting this throw down! I don’t have the needed pictures and will now have to make a WalMart run to get some printed…on jammie day. Oh the horror…

Little Catch Up

2012-01-24T16:34:00.001-06:00

The computer is back!! Yea!

Here is some cuteness.

Under that blankie is the first Christmas décor that I bought myself back in college. That is Norman. Norman might be an old man but he has a best friend that is very young! Poor Norman though is packed away again…

This is Little Molly’s first stocking. I’m quite honored to be asked to make it for her. Gabe’s first stockings (he had two made his first year) were both handmade and I’ll never forget them or the two beautiful ladies that took the time.

This is a Christmas present that is still sitting in my van waiting to get to the post office. A very BOLD table runner.

I hate to say it, but I love this and hate this. I’m not happy with the materials I used for this little art pack (also an undelivered Christmas present). I ended up making two and I just didn’t like the feel of them. But they work just fine and are completely washable. the red pocket is supposed to hold a notepad but I didn’t have one to put in there.

I have always HATED throwing away the beautiful pictures from an expired year’s calendar. I found the solution.

It works beautifully and the kids love them.

That is all for now….

Kid Kards

2012-01-11T14:44:00.001-06:00

After lunch, I was so excited about what a great day we had been having. We got all our school work done ON TIME, including having an unscheduled trip to Wal-Mart for some necessities! I mean, that just never happens around here. Other than a little dwaddling getting ready this morning by Hope, everything had run smoothly and without much ado. Yay!! Happy Mama Party Dance!! So I thought, lets see if we can make it through an art project to make for someone else. Cards were the first things to pop into my mind. I’ve gotten it down and organize so much that it took less than an hour to do both kids cards out of my stash. Hope’s first thought for someone to make for was Ms. Karla. Gabe’s was Ms. Ruth. Both from our small group at church. So we made cards. Fun, fun. They did fabulous! They picked everything themselves with a little guidance about where to put things from me. They worked hard and both are so proud of their results. Me too!!

Taking Over

2012-01-10T14:54:00.001-06:00

I have had sooooo much to blog about recently but haven’t had the computer to do it. Tony has his laptop that he has been using for months now (since our computer crashed) but I’ve always seen that as “his” and therefore just not comfortable using it. But I’ve had it! I’ve reached that place where I just can’t take it anymore!!! I’ve got to get all this posted. I’ve taken over the laptop. It might take me a few days to get it all ~~barfed up~~ posted. Which might be a good thing since it might get me back in the habit of posting. I’ll start by going backwards. Wanna post the things most recently on my mind while they are still fresh.

Yesterday, in the mail, we found a gift. You see, we’ve been part of one of those movie clubs for a while now. Every so often we forget to decline the month’s featured (sent to you, while they bill you for it, without you really wanting it) movie. Last month, we forgot. So our rather expensive gift arrived. It was not one that I would have purchased on my own, but I’m kinda glad it happened. We got TWO movies instead of the regular one. One of them, I really wanted to see but didn’t want to really pay for since I didn’t think the kids would ever be interested. It was Winnie the Pooh. My kids jumped on it and were instantly begging to watch it. Sweet! We popped it in after dinner and sat and watched it. The joy started almost instantly….for ME! I LOVED Winnie the Pooh growing up and this new movie was doing it great justice. It wasn’t even ten minutes into the movie that I knew this movie would soon be a favorite for the monkeys. They were laying on the floor giggling like…well, children. They loved it!! The other movie in the package did not go unnoticed by them and as soon as Pooh was over they wanted to watch it too. Dumbo. There was much joy over this one as well. So we now have two new movies to shove in the DVD case. Like we didn’t have enough of those already…. As soon as we got to recess time on this rainy day, they were back there watching Dumbo again. And as soon as school was over, they were back at it, finishing up Dumbo and watching Pooh again. Here is what I was able to capture today during Dumbo:

Blogging....

2012-01-04T01:00:00.001-06:00

I miss blogging. It was so therapeutic. It also server the purpose of making an accounting for my days. I think it is one small thing that has me a bit off balance. I have so many things to post about but most require pictures. I have no easy way to do that right now. The computer has been crashed for a while now. And frustrating as it is, I can download pictures onto my iPad, but not post them.....so STUPID! It is driving me a bit insane at the moment!

Scheduling

2011-12-13T15:57:00.001-06:00

Today's homeschooling was not all joy. Getting down to work was just not easy today. I'm reminded about scheduling. On Friday, we shortened school and I don't really know why. Don't remember. There was a reason but I don't know now. Then we had a normal weekend where we stayed up too late Saturday and missed church....again. And Monday we met at Kelly's house to scrapbook. I let him get away with only doing one page....shoulda coulda woulda. Guess we gotta work regardless. I think we can manage and learn to be adaptable too. Life changes. Life isn't set by schedule all the time. Gotta find ways to make it work. I'm going to have to figure out a new schedule for the week now that we are starting therapy. I'll have to make a new day schedule for when the norm is interrupted.

Blind

2011-12-07T17:12:00.001-06:00

Today I watched a video on FB of a blind, autistic, 10 year old boy singing "Open the Eyes of My Heart". It was moving. Not long into it, I was crying and made Gabe watch it. I explained how much they have in common. Gabe's only question was what blind meant (after I had already told him what it meant). So to help him understand, I told him to close his eyes. I told him all the things that this boy had to do without seeing. I then asked him if he thought that would be hard. He said no. I asked him if he thought it would be easy. He said yes. So I tested him. I told him to close his eyes and walk to his room... Cheating ensued. So I blind folded him and repeated my request. Without so much as a hesitation he headed straight for his room. I could see him take in when the floor changed from tile to carpet. I could see him take in when he stepped on my vacuum cord. But really none of that really slowed him down much. He even turned in the hallway at just the right time. I thought for sure he was cheating and checked the blindfold making sure he couldn't see through it. Nope. I then put it back on him and told him to walk to the kitchen. He headed right back out the door. He was a slight bit slower and ran into a couple things, but only those things that are out that aren't normally there...my craft table, Christmas boxes, a chair pulled out from the table, etc... And even when he did hit these things, it was not in a fashion that I would have, stumbling and knocking things over. It was with grace, of all things. He easily side stepped them or gently used his hands to locate ends and corners all without much hesitation. This was very shocking. This is the child that runs into things with his eyes OPEN. I've come to the conclusion that, much like a blind person, he memorizes his surroundings. The places that he has spent enough time in to remember. Then he can go through those areas without thinking about it, without paying attention. But if something is out of place, or in the wrong spot, or if he is moving too quickly, we have an incident. This is so he can zone out like he does and do his thing. It explains how he is able to stay in one area someplace else when we ask him to while zoned out. He simply memorizes the location and can be free to zone out. This makes me want to rearrange the furniture every other day.... It also is very enlightening. I'm not yet sure what to do with this information but I think it is fascinating!!

Hiring a Maid

2011-12-06T17:42:00.001-06:00

Tony left Sunday for Altus. Usually when he is gone I'm able to get household stuff done more readily but not this time. I've just been in this funk now for weeks. Maybe it is the homeschooling. Maybe it is demanding too much of my daily mental capacity. I'm finding the house to be a last priority. My sanity is number one. And that entails making sure school is done satisfactorily to my standards AND that I get the time I need to recharge. The problem lies in the fact that my recharging does NOT include folding laundry or vacuuming or putting things away. Yet at this point the demands on my psyche to amend this household issue is draining more of me away than if I had found a means to get it all done. I also have things on my own agenda that I want to get done that I haven't been able to tackle. For various reasons. Money. Time. Being awake. Knowledge. And I think this wonderful, amazing invention the iPad, is not helping me at all. I find myself pouring my wakeful down time into silly games. Games that have become my go to place to get away from everything else and that has now caused me more stress as I'm still not getting the important things done. Add on to this the child that is constantly glued to my side. Hope wants to be involved with EVERYTHING!!!! She won't go away. So I find myself doing things that I know she wont like to watch me do or can't help with just to make her go play on her own. Don't get me wrong, I still adore homeschool. And I'm not upset or depressed really. Just not myself. Maybe that is a good thing. My normal person wouldn't ever allow my house to get into the state that it is. Maybe I'm just learning to relax some...or maybe I've run away to a faraway planet where I'm part of the star league defending against Xur and the Ko-Dan Armada and this body is just a beta unit...

...nah, the beta unit knew it was a beta unit...

Scrapin'

2011-12-03T23:26:00.002-06:00

My scrapbooking has been on hiatus long enough, so I decided. Just wish my wallet was able to handle this decision as readily as my mind. Since this decision made it's appearance so near the holidays, our Morning Glories girls decided to get together and scrap on an off day. Even though Kelly and I were both late, and the only ones able to attend, we had a great time at Paula's house! With five kids between us and two of them being nursing infants, we didn't get as much done as we wanted. And since we also had a good time, we've already scheduled our next scrap party for 10 days later!! Whoo-hoo!! These little get togethers have a double duty for me. I get to play with cute babies AND scrapbook! ...hence why I, personally, didn't get much done... Pshaw, babies are more fun than scraping but when they were eating or sleeping, I was still able to get things worked on. Poor Tony though....I've got baby fever again! It doesn't help that one of our besties in SC had her baby girl THAT same day!! If only God's plans lined up with my baby fever....

Oh and Brandi, I'm still waiting for pictures...... ;)

Lovin It

2011-11-28T15:27:00.001-06:00

Homeschooling is it's own world. And I LOVE it! I wish more people could understand this and could open their minds to taking the chance and enjoying it. It is SOOOO freeing. And I'm able to teach so much more about daily things. We haven't yet had a truly awful day yet. I'm sure it is coming. We have had truly great days. It seems, just like me, the day itself fluctuates. We have bad mornings and good afternoons or good mornings and bad afternoons, usually the later. We can make up our schedule on the fly or really get down and plan the day. If something isn't working, change it. If something is working great, focus on that. If we need a break, take one. If we need to take a day off for appointments or helping others, pick back up the next day. Wanna go to Walmart...go. Wanna reward a good morning with recess away from home...go. I love it! Decide you'd like nothing better than to jump up and do the hokey pokey....go for it! I'm loving this homeschool thing! Even the rough days are not going to be enough to override this free feeling.

First Week

2011-11-09T23:03:00.001-06:00

Our first week of homeschooling was not what I expected and not in a good or bad way. We had our good times. We had our bad times. But the good wasn't the good I was expecting and the bad wasn't the bad I was expecting. We chose simple curriculum to get started with. I wanted to have a good start full of easy work that would make the transition easy for everyone and would help us to learn exactly what has really been mastered and what hasn't. It also has helped me to learn how exactly might be the best way to go about doing things for both knowing how to teach and for what to teach. It is hard for me to think about using science and devotional time as time used to work on reading and comprehension. Or to use grammar lessons to teach spelling. My mind is very compartmentalized. Spelling is spelling. Reading is reading. Math is math. Science is science. Thinking outside those boxes and thinking about two boxes being mashed together is NOT how I work. This is a learning process for the one who has never taught a single lesson to a single person in my life. So I'm learning, and uncomfortably stretching. For Gabe's side, I'm learning we are both farther along and farther behind than I expected. For the boy that doesn't read well, and can't explain a simple story back to you, he knows a remarkable amount of grammar. And it is also weird that his vocabulary is hit and miss. He didn't know what "soil," "edge," "hobby," or "flap" was but can easily pick out nouns and verbs in full several paragraph stories. He can estimate numbers much better than I can but simple addition still throws him. Some principles in math are mastered while others are completely foreign. Makes me wish I could climb in his head and figure out why the things he has picked up have been easier and others are just plain difficult. I can't find a rhyme or reason for it at all. I've learned that he is visually overwhelmed and distracted by auditory things. I had thought that he was just easily distracted by having a page full of info. And I thought that the way he zones out was just how he entertained himself. And they ARE those things but they are also his hiding place. His safety net. Tony thinks he is just lazy, and aren't we all, but I really think there is more to it. I think I can tell when he is lazy and in some of these cases where we are struggling, I don't think that laziness is a factor. We will see though with more time. I feel that when he sees a whole page of math, his mind shuts down. When he sees a whole worksheet that his must read, the same thing happens. And while it seems like a simple solution to just cover up some of the work, the coverings seem to distract him as much as the words/numbers. He focuses on the coverings and stares at the blank paper. And with the auditory, I can listen to easy music but not Harry Potter books on audio (and no he is not at all interested in Harry and even if he was without showing it, we have heard these books so many times that I've got them close to memorized). I think the hard sounds of consonants and the ebb and flow of speech is more distracting than just plain auditory sounds. So it isn't the auditory as much as the kind of auditory. So we are learning. We've had the joy of learning new things, being together, and finishing a hard day. We've had the "joy" of not wanting to work, losing play time, and refusing to try. I was expecting all those "joys" and was well prepared. Now I'm trying not to get bogged down with trying to find ways to reteach things or to lose heart with how far we have to go. One day at a time and we shall get there....I hope....Lord willing. ;)

Quick Update

2011-11-03T01:33:00.001-05:00

This won't be long since it is so late...
Day 1 of homeschooling was awesome! We all got through our new morning routines before school. We settled down and all did school together. Had lunch with daddy. Finished up school. And had a quiet time where I got to get started on my friend Brandi's baby gift. Everything flowed beautifully and we got it all done! Hurray for success on day 1. My thought at the end of the day, "why would anyone NOT do this!? (if they are able)"
Day 2 was slightly different. Morning routine was a little off course. Settling down to work was harder. Almost missed our lunch date with Ms. Karla and Ms. Kim. Had a nice long break for lunch at Cheddar's. Got home and got back to work quite a bit better. Had a nice quiet time where I took a two hour nap (hence still being awake at 1:30 in the morning). With a closing thought for the day of, "even a not so perfect day makes me wonder why anyone would NOT do this?!". This is awesome!!

The next couple weeks may change my attitude but honestly, this is one of the best kept secrets of motherhood! Da-da-da-da-da, I'm lovin' it!

Blind Leading the Blind Part Two

2011-11-01T23:56:00.001-05:00

Our decision to homeschool came upon us slowly, without us being aware of it. I know this because it was less than three weeks from the time Tony and I discussed actually doing it, to the time we were ready to implement it. Like I said before, I had felt this leading for awhile. I had even used it in school meetings as a threat to the district. They wouldn't want to lose the funding from one of their military kids. I had an odd feeling at our first school meeting here. They looked at me like I was a looney when I described our previous school's system for dealing with Gabe. No one had ever worked at a school using shadows much less dealt with a child having already had success with one (at least not like the shadow program of the other school). Because of that, they were completely unprepared to implement the idea that they were now legally bound to follow. The shadow they hired was not prepared. Had no understanding (or desire to understand) of autism. She was a sweet woman but not able to give Gabe the help he needed. The teachers were set with their classes and routines seeing how it was the beginning of March and school was really getting close to ending. Gabe was just a bother to them. Turns out this district has a program for the autistic kids. And honestly, it is a good program with everything an autistic kid could want. So after a disastrous end to third grade, everyone decided to add Gabe to the autistic class at another school. I had my reservations about it as it is a self contained class and peer involvement was severely limited. Which is great in some cases...not ours. The class room setting was perfect. Cubbied desks, visual schedules, reduced distractions, a swing IN the room, an almost 3-1 ratio of students to adults, 1-1 teaching time to introduce new topics, sensory areas to play, a meltdown corner with the biggest pillows and beanbags you've ever seen, etc.... Really, I want to live in that room!! Last year was a complete reversal from the end of third grade. I went from getting phone calls once every week or two to come pick him up for being a danger to himself and others during meltdowns, to the teacher never once seeing him angry, much less melting down. I knew we had lost a lot of ground in all areas after the move but didn't really know how much. Last year was a chance to refocus, get back into a good routine, and to learn where exactly we were at. All of that took time. They got his focus, they got his attention, they developed a good system and schedule, and then they started work from where he was at. By the end of the year he was showing good improvement. We were all relatively happy. "Happy" is a very relative term. He used to come home talking about his friends. He could name several. The entire school in SC knew him. We couldn't walk down the halls without someone shouting out to him to say hi. He was famous! Here, none of that. When we left SC he was completing most of every assignment in a regular Ed classroom. He was struggling more than some of the other kids with multiplication, but he was getting it. He enjoyed learning. Here, not so much. In fact he lost all of his multiplication understanding and memorizing. And as of my parent teacher meeting a couple weeks ago, he was just catching up to where he was when we moved. So basically, for Gabe, moving pushed him back two grade levels. We move again in two years.... His social needs are not getting met in his class any more than they would be at home since his only real peer interaction is with other autistic kids, and as they are defined as social impaired, I'm not sure that qualifies. He isn't even eating breakfast in the cafeteria! And in all honesty, his peers are getting to an age that I don't want him learning from them anyway. It was bad enough when his peers taught him to be a picky eater. I don't need him coming home (like he has started to do) talking down to his little sister and think that is okay. Or coming home saying foul language that he doesn't understand and can't be made to understand. I'd rather tackle these things at home where I can help him understand how and why it is hurtful to tell his sister that she shouldn't draw because she isn't very good. And I can teach him that some words have a very ugly meaning, and saying them puts others down and that he should be doing his best to lift others up instead. But the big kicker for me was the way they push these kids to perform for state tests like performing monkeys. The reading assignment that was brought home for homework... 5th grade reading. He couldn't explain what was happening in the first paragraph and the thing was 6 or 8 pages long! After much talking about it, with Tony, his teacher, and him, I've discovered he is closer to 3rd grade comprehension and 2nd grade self reading. But, no, he is listed as a 5th grader and must perform to 5th grade state testing. That was the proverbial straw. If they can't meet his social needs, they can't meet his academic needs, they waste what little resources he has to learn with on stupid testing prep, and we are setting ourselves up to do this again in two years during adolescence....shoot, seems like a no brainer. Let's forget about the added bonuses of being free to say the Pledge of Allegiance, pray all we want to, be able to do things together, go on vacation whenever we want, learn at our own pace, be able to back up school lessons while on the go, the parents actually know what the kids are learning, and I don't have to get up early to meet the bus or be home at a certain time to meet him. The drawbacks are WAY less than the benefits. I am not sure how this will go as I'm not a teacher. I have NO experience to draw from. I have NO training. I have NO idea what I'm doing. But I KNOW my son. I know his buttons, good and bad. I know how he learns and how to motivate him. I know, by the peace- not panic, in my heart that this is what God wants us to do at this time. It just might be the blind leading the blind, but God says we can trust in the unseen!

Blind Leading the Blind

2011-10-31T23:07:00.001-05:00

This most recent life changing decision would never have entered my mind much less seriously considered had it not been for the Summerville church. I hadn't really known well any families that home schooled. I had never watched parents consider and agonize over the choice and over curriculum. I had never known parents so involved in what their children were taught and what they studied. Never considered the massive amount of junk thrown into a school day and how much of the public school curriculum I don't agree with. Public school to me was always just a fact of life. I knew I'd never be able to afford private school and home schooling was for parents who had some basis for teaching, like a degree or years upon years of practice through schools or churches. Who am I to teach? I've never even taught a Bible school class or taken a single class devoted to education. But a seed was planted by the wonderful Mrs. Courtney Steed....even before she had her first child. Then I watched her and a couple other young families take on that role as a home school family. They all made it sound so easy to do. The problems they encountered were tackled one day at a time and they just found ways to make it work. Problems weren't a major crisis, although I'm sure there was much gnashing of teeth by everyone, but another learning and growing experience. I've discovered that as a public school parent it is very easy to "leave the learning to the school" and become so detached that you don't even notice the daily opportunities to teach or grow your child. And this is a mom that was highly praised by several teachers as being one of the most involved parents they knew...ha! What does that say about the other parents...yikes? My go-to reason for not home schooling before, which I kinda felt God pushing me to do, was the social learning which Gabe, with his very non-social being, severely needed. And looking back, it seems, God was setting me up for the timing to start now and not back then. Gabe learned more social behaviors from his most wonderful shadow at school then I would have been able to teach him back then. She was a social butterfly and I've only recently gotten better about coming out of my shell. I would have done my son a disservice by not letting Ms. Miller work with him. But that was then and this is now. Gabe does not have Ms. Miller. Gabe does not have friends that have known him since 1st grade to help him in class. Gabe is now reaching the level where public school worries more about the kids mastering a standardized test than understanding the info that is age appropriate. Gabe has started showing marked academic regression at every school break, including holidays, and has become a better liar about what he knows and doesn't know or understands and doesn't understand (basically harder for the third party parent to do homework or to help bridge the gap). I am much more outgoing then I was. I have a greater understanding of teaching and more patience now that I have Hope. I have a better grasp of what is normal for home schooling and can therefore feel more confident to step out or pull back as needed. And we live in Texas now, where there is very little to no regulations over home schooling so that we can make an honest effort without worrying over attendance, testing, and someone looking over my shoulder. Basically we can get our feet wet without getting pushed in, grabbed from underneath, or even splashed with cold water. Beautiful. I'll post more tomorrow about our reasons to home school and will be able to post about our first full day. Tomorrow is our first day to homeschool!!!

The Great Battle

2011-10-25T21:19:00.001-05:00

Have you ever had this great battle take place in your life. One side says this thing isn't a big deal. The other side says "really?!". One side says it is deserved, even earned. The other side says "really?!". One side says this makes you happy, go enjoy. The other side says "really?!". One side says others enjoy this as well so help them have a fun time too. The other side says "REALLY?!". Why oh why can't I make up my mind!?

Attention

2011-09-25T00:37:00.001-05:00

Why is it that I have a million things to blog about but when I sit down to blog...the thoughts are gone? It is a curse. Something to ask God about one day.

This I remember though:
Friday afternoon was Tony's second annual Instructors vs Students flag football game. We lost...again. Last year there was only one score the whole game and it was an ugly fight. This year, the fight was pretty even and not ugly. Score was 14-13 If our quarterback wasn't a complete...well...those thoughts aren't nice...we would have easily won. But that isn't really the memorable event. What struck me this year was that smack in the middle of the game, with the stands full, dogs on leashes, children everywhere, babies being lugged around, and a sea of young troops just weeks out of basic training was the daily lowering of the base flag with the national anthem playing all over the base. Anyone that has ever spent any time at all around a base during the national anthem can tell you how seriously it is taken. Especially the newly brain-washed, fresh from basic, babies with brand new stripes on their arms. When the first sound of the music started, the massive noise of people coming to their feet and turning toward the flag was beautiful. Seeing the children halt in their tracks brought a tear to my eye. And the absolute silence from so many, even the babies was awesome. Gabe wasn't near me at the time and I remember wondering if he was singing along wherever he was, even if only to himself. But I didn't hear one single voice...not one. It never occurred to me to attempt to sing along like I normally do. Looking back now it seems curious. I always sing along...hmmm. The silence was just that profound. And what made me smile even more was the abrupt return to chaos after the last note. Even the babies started back to their fussing within the first minute. I love the military. Some things need changing but some...well...don't.

P.S. Tony should be in the base paper this week with an article about the game!

Redo

2011-09-16T23:11:00.001-05:00

I think I'd like to start this day over. Nothing seems to be going quite right. Missed breakfast, injured a horse (again), Hope refused to do much of anything today without whining, cracked eggs in my own pocket before getting them home, faced some of my own faults, Hope broke Gabe's water bottle and made a huge mess in the process, attempted a nap that only had me tossing and turning, etc... Everything just seemed to be slightly off. So I'm sitting here stuffing my yearly weakness of candy corn down my throat while trying to get something to go right by quilting... Maybe this isn't a great idea...

The me I wish I was could handle a slightly off day without wallowing in self pity, but alas...

Going Back

2011-09-15T18:24:00.001-05:00

I sent some time the other night reading old blog posts. I realized how nice it is just to be able to go back and read about things I'd forgotten about. I'd like to get back to blogging more about life instead of crafts and plans and such. We shall see though.

Not long ago, Hope declared pink as her favorite color. Since then, I've quit trying to gently guide her in other directions. So now we have a minor pink explosion. Pink toothbrush, pink clothes, pink hair do-dads, pink coat, pink yarn for a blanket... I'm easing myself into this and still guiding her toward the pinks I prefer to look at but I'm not sure how long that will last. The only benefit I see is that finding matching outfits will be easier!

Back to Normal…Almost

2011-08-19T15:54:00.001-05:00

I found myself a little off after our vacation. I deemed it was from lack of crafting. So I made a challenge to myself to craft something every. single. day. for the month of August. I did beautifully….for a week (and a half). And what gets me is that it fell apart, not from time, nor from lack of projects, or lack of motivation. It fell apart because I had wanted to blog it. I’ve been using my iPad for just about everything for months and months…except blogging. It doesn’t do it as easily as windows live writer, and this program has ruined me to all others. I can’t blog from the blogger dashboard anymore. It drives me insane and just isn’t worth it. I had found and was using an app on my iPad (my last post was from that app) but when I had a bunch of photos to post, it choked. It wouldn’t post a single photo. They updated the app since then, but since the update, I can’t even get it to load to use it. Yeah, that program got dumped. So I got depressed about not being able to blog from my iPad….and my challenge suffered the cost. This means that my routine of making goals and failing to meet them is back on course since we got back from our vacation….

Welcome back.

Misery

2011-07-26T01:07:00.001-05:00

I've come to understand a few things recently. These are things I've always known about myself but am now able to ponder on.

One: Exercise is, to me, kinda like smoking. Although I've never tried smoking... But to me, I can't figure out how anyone would be able to get past the initial pain and misery of it all to get to the good times. The horribleness of getting started makes me really not want to get started. Of course, with smoking, knowing how bad it is for you makes it even more ridiculous to want to do it, where as, with exercise, it is the opposite and you should want to get to the benefits of it. For me, I have never been able to get to the good times during exercise. It is only miserable work that I pay for for days and weeks. Even when I played basketball and ran track....misery. My body suddenly becomes a three year old child that wants a piece of candy when mom and dad said no.

Two: I'm competitive. In my younger days, this was a point of great battle. Patience and understanding were never in my radar. Setting the goal and attaining the goal were the only points to anything I did. Academics, athletics, horses, you name it.... If I couldn't win at it, I either never started in the first place or quit, with much stomping of feet and grumbling. These days I'm just as competitive but now there is some maturity to it. I'm happy to strive WITH someone and I have patience, or at least more of it than I used to. I'm also better at picking my battles so there is much less stomping of feet and grumbling.

My current problem....P90X. I'm in misery! Misery like a 1000 lb horse just sent me flying to the ground. AND the humiliation is that I'm not even doing the full workout! But Tony and I are doing it together! My mature competitiveness is at complete odds with my three year old body screaming for candy. Yesterday, the maturity won, today, ...well, the three year old.

Photo Attack

2011-06-27T15:16:00.001-05:00

Yesterday I posted a photo of Hope on Facebook that got more response than all the things I’ve posted for the last month combined! So I decided it was long overdue to have some pictures to post of the monkeys. I started with Hope. My brother, bless him, hasn’t seen Hope in probably almost 2 years and he was surprised by a photo of her curls. That particular photo was taken before she chopped all her hair off in September. So I decided to get up close photos of her “curlies,” as we all them. Just remember that our trip starting next week will feature a visit to Aunt May’s salon….

Then she asked for “piggies” which I had already promised to do before we went to feed the horses…and I forgot. So we got out our fancy spray bottle and comb…

Then I thought “hey, it’s 104 out….lets take pictures OUTSIDE” Brilliant huh? But you can’t argue with success even if they came out a little on the red side.

And then miracle of all miracles, Gabe decided to join us! Yay!!

But with Gabe is takes much coaching to get a good photo. We get lots like this.

But there is always fun like this…look in the right side of the frame.

He was laughing by the end. Can you tell we need to mow? This will be only our second mowing this year! Anyone know a good rain chant?

So there ya go, new photos of the monkeys!

Trip Home

2011-05-27T20:44:00.001-05:00

We had a wonderful visit on Saturday May 21 with some friends of ours we met in Charleston that have moved to Edmond OK. They are expecting their first baby and we drove up for the baby shower. A great time was had by everyone. Little did we know the real fun would be on the way home. It was late afternoon, the kids hadn't had a nap, they were getting hungry, we needed to stop to get more toll money, and my knees were aching (it happens when I drive a lot, although we really hadn't been driving that long). So we stopped to get snacks, drinks, and money. Then we tried to get back on the highway but construction had us turning in all kinds of directions. We finally figured it out and not more than 10 minutes later all traffic came to a halt. An accident just down the road where we could see it. A long time later we get past that and get going again. At the top of the very next rise, traffic stops again. Once we finally get going AGAIN, I've lost track of how far we are and when to expect the first toll. It was about 30 minutes or so later that I realize something isn't right. I'm the type of person that watches everything out the window when I drive. I'm a country girl, I enjoy barns, pastures, and the like. And nothing out the windows was familiar to our drive into town. And then there was the fact that we definitely should have hit a toll by now! And then it hits me like a freight train, we should be driving south with the sun in our right...but the sun was behind us. The van confirmed we were headed east. Dang it! How far are we? How much time did we waste? WHERE the heck are we!!?? Enter our wonderful little blessing, Android phone with GPS! Tony quickly finds that we are WAY east of OKC! We are on hwy 40 near Seminole! We can not for the life of us figure out how we got there. But at that moment that is beside the point. I refuse to drive all the way back into OKC to get back to 44. There HAS to be a way to cut back through Oklahoma. Yeah, not so much. We start winging it. Tony sticks to the phone and slowly guides our steps south. Meanwhile we are watching this gorgeous storm brewing just in front of us. I start debating with Tony about if we will hit it or if we can swing back around it to the west. We aren't sure. All we know is that it is getting big and is oh so pretty. Getting big with lots of really dark spots and really bright, shiny spots. There were these cool looking straight up and down sections. Just really awesome to watch it build. The rain started not much later. Sunshine to our right, dark clouds to our left and in front of us, and the nice rain. We live currently in a stage four drought and this rain was just fun. Tony finally finds a road headed back west near the town of Ada. The rain stops, we find the road, and start heading west. Finally, headed more in the right direction! About 5 miles down the road I hear this noise. Sounds like a siren but it quickly disappears. I look at Tony. "Was that a tornado siren?". It was so fast, he never even heard it over the radio. Then we hear another one. Great. The direction we are headed is a nicely treed area and hard to see but the sky is lighter. Then we pass a couple vehicles pulled over. Then we pass a vehicle at the top of a rise that the occupants are out of the car standing with cameras pointed in the direction we were driving. So we look up. There are lower dark clouds with multiple little sections with jagged edges that are dropped down. Through this I've started driving slower and slower. By now I'm doing about 35. As we come over the next rise I see that there is very obvious rotation just a little way away. That's it! We're outta here! The truck in front of us made the same decision the same time we did. We both popped a u turn and headed back the direction we just came. We pass that same car with all the people gathered pointing their cameras at the sky. We pass many vehicles pulled over. We pass several homes with people standing on the porch. Then we pass a home with the family outside but the mom is standing several feet lower then anyone else and I notice the storm cellar open next to her. That was the clincher for me. Tony is under orders to keep an eye on the sky and to tell me where to go. We get back on our original hwy south and soon come into Ada proper, where people are congregating in multiple small groups on ever corner and all looking in the direction we are coming from. Still more vehicles pulled over. Concern on everyone's faces. By now, I'm white-knuckling the steering wheel begging Tony to tell me where to go, and asking him to call someone that can tell us what the heck is going on and where our best chances are. And then real panic sets in when I see the convoy of storm chasers with the lead car being an armored tank looking thing. But as God would have it, that crew was turning to head the direction we were leaving, but now, the sun is setting and I'm starting to visualize the night time scenes from the movie Twister. You know, the ones where you can't see anything until it is too late. We just keep driving. We are now passing vehicles not only pulled over, but stopped underneath overpasses...in clusters. Oh and by the way, the rain has started again. Next, the fog rolls in with patchy rain. I keep trying to remember the closest low points should we have the need to seek low laying shelter and praying this nonstop petition to God to save my kids, who, by the way, we had to yell at to be quiet because they were happy little clams and my nerves were FRIED! After about an hour of driving south in the pitch black, foggy, rainy, back roads of Oklahoma, going very hesitantly down the road, the ground dried out, vehicle traffic picked up, and we decided we were safe enough to stop, get gas, get something to eat and drink, and use the restroom. Not long after that, we started to see stars. Yeah! And not long after that, when we finally knew where we were, knew how to get home, and about how much longer it would be, the fancy red and blue flashing lights that all drivers love started flashing in my rearview. Seriously!!?? I knew I was speeding but honestly, by now it was 11:15 or so and I just wanted to get HOME! Bless his heart though, he asked if we were in the service and let us go out of "professional courtesy." I could have kissed him....well, not really, but you know what I mean. We finally made it home about 12:30 in the morning, about 5 hours after we should have been home. But I was suddenly very thankful for my home, my husband, my kids, and my God who is always there. The next day we saw this:

And then that night we heard about Joplin, one of our previous homes. It was a very eventful weekend and one I was glad to see is over. My only regret is that I'm not close enough to help our old church in Joplin to recover from their losses. Praying for them!

P.S. I’ve since learned that we had been watching a perfect “supercell” growing, a perfect “wall cloud”, and very obvious “fingers” leading to tornados. Also my knees weren’t aching from driving but from the weather…

Visitors

2011-04-27T21:41:00.001-05:00

I've had a couple people ask about our visitors back in March. They are Grandma Ann and Grandpa Ken. And they are family as much as is possible....except that pesky blood-kin thing. I had known Ken and Ann for years before they became family. And the catalyst to them becoming family....Hope. For those out there that don't know me well, pregnancies and I just don't mix. And this one was grand in the fact that we found out 9 days after closing on our house that we were expecting. This turned out to be a complete God thing, well, all of it, but this in particular. I'm a hermit by nature, non-social, like to do things for myself, don't make friends easily, etc... Now let's throw in new home, new school, new neighbors, new everything except church. Now let's add some more, like pregnancy hormones, all-day "morning" sickness, and known high risk pregnancy. Who comes to my rescue? No, not Ken and Ann, but the other "grandma," Carol, who worked for a living. She always bends over backward to help us, bless her! When at 12 weeks I developed a bleeding problem and was put on bed rest, Carol found our solution. Ken and Ann. They were both retired and they lived just minutes from our new home. My lengthy, horrible pregnancy required me to make fairly routine trips to the doc. Routine as in every week from about 16 weeks on. Problem was, we had one car and Tony couldn't take a day off of work every week for more than 4 months. So, against everything in me, I had no choice but to accept help from Ann. And I would never have known what I was missing in my life! They aren't parental figures to Tony and I, just a little older and wiser friends. And GREAT friends they are. There isn't anything we can't talk about and there isn't anything that can't be said. They take us as we are, don't (and won't) ask anything from us, are always there, and love us as true blood family. I remember the first time they offered to take Gabe out just the three of them. Broke my heart into a million happy pieces. They were two of only four non-blood related people to be there when Hope was born (Grandma Carol being another one). They were one of the reasons that Hope made it to term. I honestly don't have a clue where we would be if it went for them. They will always be family. They will always be the missing set of grandparents since Tony no longer has parents. I want to be just like them some day. I couldn't love 'em more! And I wish everyone has someone like them at some point in their lives, cause our lives will never be the same.

Pumped

2011-04-14T16:36:00.001-05:00

I wish I could describe the feeling of hope I have at this moment. Since the moment we knew Gabe was autistic, I've been on the hunt. The hunt for that one thing. The one thing that will reach him. The one thing that will speak to him on such a level that he feels compelled to reach for new heights. We've all heard the stories. Those kids that are masters at crazy things at young ages because THAT is what speaks to them. All autistic kids have them. That one thing. The one thing that is what they were born to do. I was sent this email from my mom. It was innocent. It was sent for the horse factor involved. But this spoke to me for my son. The horse not withstanding. You see, Gabe's fascination has been in the form of art, but not in an any way productive form. It started with carrying around cards when he was like four. Playing cards, flash cards, homemade cards, business cards, etc... If paper could be uniform in size and shape and then stacked, boy, he had himself some cards!! But these cards were in order. The pictures always had their place in line. It was the pictures that drew him. He is old enough now that he makes his own. Anyone that has spent even the slightest amount of time with him knows about the cards...to this day. He also likes to draw. No, not color, DRAW. Now, he'll color what he has drawn, but have we wasted a pretty penny in coloring books that he won't touch! A couple years ago he started making his drawings 3-D by cutting the shapes out and bending or folding the paper to make something.

He has also developed the art of rolling paper to make 3-D objects. He has used up more tape than any one family could dream of using for their Christmas presents in making things.

Oh and he can travel with empty hands to use this art form. Grass, leaves, sticks, rocks, etc..., all make great pieces for sculpting something. He has also perfected over the last few years his own "friends" (aka his hands). His random hand flapping has turned into full fledged puppets. He'll even name them for whatever he is currently acting out. And he is under strict rules at school to leave his "friends" in his backpack. His puppet fascination has graduated some since discovering Jim Henson. He loves the muppets! But just recently he has been trying his hands at creating using pipe cleaners, or fuzzy sticks as the package reads. I'm tellin' you, the boy is good. He was able to make an Easter egg in 3-D on the first try. I don't even know how he did it. As a parent, and a very uncreative one at that, I've been worried about how to reach him and how to channel his underlying genius. Tonight I watched this video. Of a horse. A horse that was made by hand. A horse made by hand that is life size. A horse that moves. A horse that is really a puppet! This puppet is famous. This puppet has been on Broadway! I hate puppets, no offense Greg Stanford! They creep me out. But these puppets made by this company are simply genius! And they give this mother of an autistic kid hope. Even if this isn't Gabe's thing, his one great thing, I know that there is really something out there he was made to do! No matter how weird. No matter how outside the box. No matter how long it takes to find...there is something!

P.S. How cool would it be to have his "one thing" be something that can show him the need for science, math, social understanding, language, and art? Most of those seem so trivial and worthless to him at this point. Now how to introduce this without getting him frustrated over not being able to achieve it overnight??

March Visit

2011-04-07T16:09:00.001-05:00

Allowances

2011-03-28T16:37:00.001-05:00

As another school meeting approaches, and my questions about Gabe’s education rise, I've started to wonder. Making allowances versus making excuses. Where do you draw the line? I don't want to be the one that walks through life, with my child, thinking that "oh he can't do _____ because he is special needs," or "he needs things so specialized that he'll never ______." Nor do I want to be one that blindly attempts to make my child the same as every one else when he clearly will never be that. We all know that parent, the one that knows his/her child is special and therefore that child can't be held responsible for anything he/she does, says, or is. We also all know that parent that insists that his/her child will be JUST like everyone else, even if it kills them....which it does. I'm just so mixed up. Do we "allow" certain things in the effort of gaining something else or is it just an excuse? Or do we allow certain behaviors because he just doesn't "get" it? I firmly believe that special needs kids need to be taught to live in the real world, and the real world shouldn't have to cater to EVERY single "special" need that comes along. Cause we are all "special" in our own special way ;). Where do you find that magical line between letting your child become dependent on everyone else and teaching them to cope using what they have? I don't want to push so hard that he becomes resentful, but neither do I want him to lean on a crutch he doesn't need. This has become very important as I again debate on homeschooling him. I'm not sure the school is pushing him enough, but I KNOW I'll probably push him too hard at home as I have zero patience for teaching. I feel at this point that Gabe has learned how to use his special needs as a manipulation of people, circumstances, and ideas. He doesn't want to try so he says he can't or says he doesn't know how or acts like he doesn't understand. And I don't know when to believe it. I think he is enjoying not having to work and has learned that if he acts like he doesn't know and then suddenly does it, that there is some kind of reward. Total manipulation. However, I'm not 100% on that. I might be wrong. I just don't see him progressing as much as he used to but maybe, just maybe, he is making huge strides in something else that I'm not seeing and that process is taxing him beyond the ability to learn the things I CAN see. Like, maybe he is becoming more independent in the settings that I'm not a part of. Maybe he is doing things at school that he won't do here at home because WE are being manipulated? Like I said, I'm all mixed up....

February Fun

2011-02-11T15:46:00.001-06:00

This is for you Deborah!!

So as we’ve been snowed in for most of the month (translation: it is so cold that I refuse to even take out the trash), I’ve spent most of my time sitting at my sewing machine, standing at the ironing board, and leaning over the kitchen table working on lots of small projects. I wish I was better about taking pictures BEFORE I start something, but….I’m not. So you’ll have to make do with AFTER pictures. Here is my project list:

1. Drafted a couple different burp cloth patterns since I’ve never made any.

2. Made 4 burp clothes of various sizes and patterns (one went pretty quickly into the trash).

3. Made 2 paci clips.

4. Upcycled one of Gabe’s outgrown button-up shirts into a little girl’s dress.

5. Upcycled a couple of Hope’s outgrown dresses into skirts.

6. Finally hemmed the PJ pants I made for Tony for Christmas.

7. Finished quilting the top for Gabe’s matching Christmas stocking.

8. Made 3 diaper clutches for upcoming baby showers (I wasn’t sure which way to do the blue fabric one so I did both).

9. Made a soft baby book of colors.

10. Made a skirt for Hope.

11. Upcycled a dress of mine into a skirt.

12. Made several pairs of baby no-scratch mittens (two pairs not yet finished).

And these last two I actually did the week or so before the snow…

13. And I made a baby taggie block and blankie

14. Oh and the piggy I made for little Emily Bowman that I haven’t been able to get to her yet…

And the only thing on this list I’d ever done before is the block and blankie. I also spent lots of time converting this

(I had several shelves that looked like this…but only one remains)

to this

I still have lots to work on and lots I’d like to do. I minkie fabric to do something with….any ideas….I’m thinking baby blanket…

All Dressed Up and No Where to Go

2011-01-24T16:57:00.001-06:00

So in usual military fashion….some one didn’t have their act together and the deployment has been cancelled.

That is all I have to say about that….

Third Time

2011-01-13T14:01:00.001-06:00

We are preparing for a deployment for the third time.

Tony came home a week ago Tuesday with a story about a new lady to the squadron. She was mistakenly tasked to deploy. When you become an instructor, you aren’t supposed to deploy. It is a special duty assignment that has to be maintained at full staff in order to keep the new recruits coming through in a timely fashion. This lady was so new that her paperwork hadn’t been finished yet and she was tasked to go by mistake. She is a single mom of two and tried desperately to get out of it but she was stuck with it. Her only way out was to find someone with equal training and rank to take her place. Tony and one other guy were the only ones able to go in her stead.

Since we got the orders to come here, we’ve been struggling with our budget. We are unable to sell our house in Charleston due to having purchased it just months before the market crashed. We have no equity and would have to take a 10,000 loss AND pay the realtors their percentage…we don’t have that kind of money. So we rented it out, for much less than the mortgage. And then we did something else stupid and bought two vehicles with the assumption that Tony would make TSgt….and then he didn’t. Stupid tax times three. Then, twice since the renters have been in the house, we’ve had to fix the HVAC unit. We don’t have money for that either. So we’ve been praying. About what to do, how to do it, and when to do it.

I guess we got an answer.

It wasn’t the answer that either one of us wanted. We wouldn’t ever choose to be deployed just to earn some extra money. But this is what God laid out before us. Something that should never have even been an option. And He didn’t force us to do it. It was a choice. Do we take what seems so clearly to be a window opened just for us, or do we snub our noses at it and say, “not good enough!” Seriously, we get our prayers answered (for the short term anyway) AND we get to do it while blessing this single mom and her two kids. How selfish we would have to be to turn it down.

Qatar, here he comes again…look out.

New Hobby

2011-01-06T15:49:00.001-06:00

So Tony and I have decided that we need a new hobby. We’ve thought about learning about woodworking for years. Building big things, small things. Just learning. So, oh the joy, when the lady that I’m working horses with has a small shop with all kinds of tools. Table saw, drill press, belt sander, router, etc… And she WANTS us to use it…yea!! So we thought we’d make some wood items out of her scrap for the kids for Christmas. We learned one thing… remember when making your own “lumber” to account for the fact that the sizes listed from the store are not ACTUALLY that size. When processing 1x4s the factory really produces a piece much smaller (like .75x3.75 or smaller). So the plans we were following called for the the factory sized not the ACTUAL size. I knew this but didn’t account for it. Nothing really fit right when we tried to put it together. So there was much “winging” it. That and since we used scrap, there were lots of pieces that were warped or twisted from age. But, it was free…. Here is what we got:

This table and chairs, well, they have issues. The chairs are supposed to stack but because the wood wasn’t sized right, they don’t. The blue paint is what I bought first, but it was cheapo and even after dried for days still had a tacky feel. The blue one will soon be green as well. And the table top…the three pieces aren’t the same thickness…oops. So the middle piece on the top is fatter than the rest. This is what happens when two people cut pieces for the same project at different times. Oh well, it works.

The stove, well, it didn’t fit right either and we totally had to wing this. The door doesn’t yet have plexy in it so even though the door works, the kids just reach through it. Also, we left it primed so that Hope can help us paint it. She can use finger paints and do whatever she wants…in the spring, and then we can seal it with poly.

The easel is supposed to have a separate chalk tray but we couldn’t get it to fit (the built tray is still sitting in my dining area). Also, the legs are warped and so it doesn’t sit straight and wobbles. But we learned lots.

1. Buy good paint (I was in a hurry and only bought from the miss-mixed rack at Wally World).

2. Wood filler doesn’t work the same as drywall mud. Mud is easier.

3. When making your own pieces, take factory sizes into account for building plans.

4. When all else fails….wing it.

Cute Kids

2011-01-05T23:01:00.001-06:00

So today Gabe came home from school, as usual. Came inside, as usual. Handed me his hat and coat, not as usual (it usually just gets thrown on the floor, where it is sometimes rumored to still be sitting the next day when he requires it to go back to school…). And with a “hey, did you know…” tone says, “She calls me ‘Gabe’.” Apparently Gabe has never noticed other people calling him “Gabe” as we usually call him “Buddy.” He seemed to think it odd that his bus driver calls him Gabe.

The other day I was saying goodnight to Hope, as usual, with lots of hugs and kisses and tickles when she looked up over the top of my head at her daddy walking down the hallway toward us and said, “Momma’s crazy.” It was very no non-sense. As if simply stating a fact of life.

Tonight while talking with Gabe about some up coming things with Tony’s work, we asked him what he thought about it and his response, “Can I have something to eat?”

Oh and Tony is being deployed in March.

Christmas Craft List

2011-01-04T13:49:00.001-06:00

3 Stockings (2 Previously Seen Here)

1 Table Topper

4 Shoulder Bags

2 Dragons

1 Fishing Game

12 Fabric Flowers

2 Wristlet Bags

8 Letter Pillows

2 Monster Pillows

5 PJ Bottoms

6 Hanging Bags

2 Wood Crafts

1 Laundry Bag

10 Fabric Hair Ties

Finished 1 Started Lap Quilt

1 Crafting Apron

1 Baby Doll Bassinet

3 Sock Monkeys

1 Wooden Play Stove

1 Wooden Table

2 Wooden Chairs

1 Wooden Easel

5 Fabric Decorated Blank Notes

…I think that was most of it…

Christmas Slums

2010-12-21T16:40:00.001-06:00

So about a week ago, I made a boo boo. I accidentally deleted ALL of our photos off our hard drive. Whoops. So I had to spend the last of our Christmas budget (including shipping money) to buy a recovery program to get back all our family photos and videos. This has caused a domino effect.

1: No one is going to receive their Christmas presents.

2: I became depressed over not getting my hard worked on gifts to my loved ones.

3: I had guilt over kinda feeling happy that I could take a short lived break from the sewing machine.

4: I spent several days wallowing in my own personal pity party.

5: My family rose wonderfully to the occasion and perfectly ignored me and supported me appropriately.

6: Found out a family friends of ours actually visited Summerville and if I’d only known, they could have taken our gifts with them .

7: Became more depressed that these friends of ours were able to see all our friends from Summerville.

8: Felt guilty over being completely jealous.

9: Realized that my sewing list wasn’t yet done, with less than a week, to finish for my family.

10: Completed a couple projects that have now gotten me over my guilt and depression.

11: And now my slums are fading as I see the presents under the tree and several of them being completely inexpertly wrapped by my two year old.

Why couldn’t I have skipped dominos 1-10 and gone straight for 11?

Good news is that we will once again be going through Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University starting in January…now if I could find that one CD that has been missing since we loaned out our CD set from the class….

This is my photographic “proof” that Dallas bound and Summerville bound presents are done, wrapped, and sitting in boxes waiting for the funds to come for shipping…

And of course, the cuteness of presents wrapped by Hope.

Perfection!

Night Fury

2010-12-12T15:38:00.001-06:00

Some of your might not have seen it yet. You should. How To Train Your Dragon is just a very cute movie. Gabe and Hope can act out just about the whole thing. They LOVE it! Therefore, Gabe started asking for me to make him a “Toothless” about a month ago. This comes just a couple weeks after he was asking me to make him a preying mantis costume for Halloween (by the way, he has already decided he wants to be a rolly polly for Halloween next year). The boy thinks I can make ANYTHING from fabric. I don’t know why he thinks this. I’m really not that good. It is kinda flattering but my nail-biting has gotten a little out of control. I just can’t live up to that. So I told him I just didn’t know how…of course, he makes me another instruction book about how to make one. So in his mind all he has to do is wait for me to finish it…great. Let the internet hunting begin. And apparently, you CAN find anything on the internet. I found a free pattern and tutorial online to make one! I couldn’t believe it. And they were SO cute! Next step, fabric. I walked into Hancock’s and asked the lady, “Ya got any dragon skin.” She didn’t bat an eye and started hunting with me. Toothless is black but we found a material that was grey and black snake skin looking stuff. Took it home and started cutting. What I lacked when starting this project, other than having never sewn with this kind of fabric, was knowing how to make a stuffed animal(or “plushy” as the sewing world calls them). I’ve made stuffed things, but only one thing that I’d call a plushy, with legs and stuff. So I can’t improvise or “see” what the finished product will look like. So I’m glad that I planned to make two and that one of my recipients is 2 and doesn’t really care how good they are. My first one was a little off. The head instructions were difficult and I learned how to make it right…the hard way. The tail end is crooked. The legs were a booger to put on. And the following of the instructions made it take more than twice as long to make as the second one. But the kids….they are gonna love them! Overall, I’m very happy with them and hope Gabe’s requests become easier….I’m not holding my breath on that though.

First one:

Second one: Tony helped with the eyes on the first one but he was unavailable to help with the second….don’t judge me on those funny eyes.

First one:

Second one:

First one:

Second one:

P.S. “Night Fury” in the name of the type of dragon that Toothless is… Not to be confused with the feelings I had while constructing the first one for many nights after the kids went to bed…..

Must Be Crazy

2010-11-28T22:42:00.001-06:00

So I’ve been working on Christmas presents for months and really still have a lot to do…considering. I’m really not sure everything will make it to their proper places by Christmas, so what do I do, decide to add some things for local events at the last minute. One of those is a gift exchange present for Bunco night. The other is for our weekly babysitting girls at our Friday morning Bible study, Morning Glories. Both the gifts I decided on are things I’ve never done before. I liked the Bunco night one so well, that it is a must have for my monkeys from Santa. The ones for the girls is something I had started making for Hope and Gabe last year but never finished…stockings. So, I finished Hope’s stocking to make sure I could make two more in time for our babysitters. And after a week, I got all three of those stockings finished (haven’t come close to finishing Gabe’s…it may wait until next year)….along with the Bunco night gift. Whew. The best part is that now I can get back to regularly scheduled sewing. Here are the stockings:

This is how it started:

Completed:

One is scrappy with hidden seams:

The other is scrappy with raggy edges:

I’m pretty happy with them. Hope the girls like them.

Hats n Bands

2010-11-28T17:04:00.001-06:00

Seeing how I’ve never made a hat or headband in my life, making two hats and several headbands in just two days makes me happy. I don’t make hardly anything without an online tutorial of some kind. I’m just not that creative. But finding the perfect tutorial is difficult. Ah well, it eventually works out…with some tweaks. So here we go.

Using this tutorial, here, I made these two hats:

Please ignore the silly faces Hope is making. She wanted so bad to look right at the camera and I kept telling her to smile and look at something else (the van, down or the door). And ignore the bright red mosquito bites on her poor little cheek. And somehow I missed the photo of the purple hat in reverse….

And the headbands were made using two different tutorials and many, many revisions on those tutorials. I almost gave up….

And the sweet girl loves them!!

November 9

2010-11-25T00:53:00.001-06:00

I realize that I probably should have posted this some time ago, but you see, our lack of money, and my overwhelming desire to make something for as many people as possible for Christmas has taken over my life. I’m beginning to hate myself for this never ending list of stuff to make. And I don’t want anyone that doesn’t end up with something to feel left out….if just means that I didn’t get to yours… And I’m not doing any of them in any particular order. Just whatever project strikes my fancy at the moment (for the most part I don’t even remember who I’m making what for any more).

Anyway, the original intent of this post is to inform you what happened November 9. Do you ever get little flashbacks of something that happened to you recently? Especially when you hear (or read) something that makes those flashbacks something you really wish you’d taken more seriously? Well, November 9 was the second Tuesday of the month. Which for me means Bunco night with a bunch of ladies from church. They are an awesome group. There is only one of those ladies that I would have met/did meet already before attending Bunco. So if it weren’t for Bunco, I might not have met most of them. Not that I’m anymore social here than I am anywhere else, but that I’m getting to know others without them getting to know me…ha ha, perfect. I’m a people watcher and this is great for me. SO, there I am, getting our first game started when my phone tells me I have a text. This is when I’m going to admit that I asked Tony to text me the updates for Biggest Loser since I was missing the show…. The text reads, “You daughter cut her hair.” My first thought, “hmm, wonder how bad?” So I asked for pics. This is what I got:

Insert this flashback. I’m getting ready to go to Bunco and as I’m walking down the hall from my bedroom, I look in Hope’s room. She is sitting on the floor with a pair of scissors shredding a piece of paper. Now, she is (was) allowed to have the scissors but not away from the kitchen table. So I grab the scissors from her, tell her she isn’t supposed to have those unless she is at the table, put them on said table, and tell Tony what just happened and to be aware that she took off with the scissors.

My heart is sinking more and more as this becomes my new reality. A daughter with a mini mohawk. Thank God for Debbie Baber. She kept me light, she laughed, she sympathized, she made sure I saw this for what it was, a good story. And then, this came:

Notice the pile o’ hair in the trash can next to her. Notice the bald patches. I’m on the verge of tears again, when Debbie saves me by asking to text Tony back! She claims the pics were “just cruel” and that “you don’t want Cryssy to have any fun.” This is what she says while the game at our table comes to a halt because of Debbie’s fumbling fingers on my keypad. And she is grinning like a fool. Again, keeping me laughing versus crying.

The evening continues on for me and wouldn’t you know I had my best night ever of Bunco!! God really wanted me to keep my perspective.

I get home (and yes, Tony kept me up to date on Biggest Loser) and Hope’s hair is way worse than I thought.

The child has patches on the BACK TOO!! Sheesh, she has a mullet. With mange.

Poor girl gets ANOTHER talkin’ to when I get there. And then, there was nothin’ for it, we had to call Aunt May. I was NOT paying someone to fix this since we ALL know that this can’t really be fixed anyway and that it will take months and months to grow back. And I was NOT letting her go out in public looking like that. The phone call was the highlight of the evening. We skyped with Aunt May (a professional hair lady) while TONY cut her hair (because I’m too chicken, and he knew it, and he didn’t ever even act like I might attempt such a thing, God love him).

And while we were at it, Aunt May gave her a not-so-stern talkin’ to as well. Hope also got to stay up late while doing all this. It was quite the adventure for this two and half year old (and momma). I’m not sure that this will keep her from ever cutting her hair again, but Debbie and Frances were right, great story.

At this point, she no longer looks like a cancer patient, but she has quit asking for “piggies.” So good and bad. Later I’ll share pictures of the headbands and hats I had to make to cover up that….that….yucky….icky….”style.”

She sure is cute no matter what her hair looks like though:

Finding Joy

2010-11-18T23:26:00.001-06:00

After my last post, I don’t want anyone to think that I’m down. Not at all, in fact after today I’m gloriously happy. I know I’m insanely blessed. Money problems aren’t really an issue. Tony has a job. We enjoy nice things (yeah, those ones that we shouldn’t have because we didn’t buy cash). We can feed our family. Maybe the fridge is a little empty nearer to payday but we all eat several meals every day. We may have to ration out our gas money but we don’t have to look for loose change to get Tony to work. We don’t have cable or satellite but our movie/DVD collection keeps us moderately happy (some things are getting old, but oh well). We buy our clothes at WalMart and Goodwill but we really have no great need for more than that anyway. Our kids have plenty of toys (so why am I concerned about Christmas…?) and love. Our family blesses us with love, concern, craziness, and strange jokes, but we have them. We are a healthy family. We’ve had our bad bouts but on the whole, honestly, I don’t really know many families that are so healthy (especially with a preemie). So we are money stupid. We pay stupid tax over and over again, but I couldn’t praise my God loud enough or long enough to say how much I love these blessings He has given us.

My son shouldn’t have survived.

My daughter (and son, for that matter) should never have even been conceived.

Tony and I have family history that should leave a legacy of marital failure.

My God, saves me…daily.

I AM BLESSED

And today, Anna. Anna is a girl at our church that has previously battled cancer. In her spine. She should be partially paralyzed. She runs. She is normal (as normal as any one can be).

She had a shadow on her last check up. MRI results came back today with no cancer!

I serve an incredible God.

Threes

2010-11-17T22:31:00.001-06:00

Everyone says things come in threes. Today it is all financial. We know Dave Ramsey (not personally thank goodness) and we know what we should be doing and how…but that doesn’t make it any easier, nor does it keep us from doing things we know we shouldn’t do. We have a history of this.

Not long ago, I drove to San Antonio to pick up a horse of my mom’s. She even bought me a trailer (brand new) for me to have and use with whichever horses I need it for. On the way down there, Tony’s truck was making funny noises. I’m not a mechanic. I know where the gas goes and where the oil goes. Oh and I can change a tire, safely. VERY long story short, God drove that truck for us until we could get it fixed because there isn’t another explanation for it. Over $1100 it took to fix it. Have Tony and I gotten our emergency fund back up yet from my wreck in Charleston? No. Do we have a car repair fund like we should? No. Whose mother wouldn’t let her even attempt to drive home with it the way it was? Mine. Whose mother isn’t going to take our money to pay the debt? Mine. Who hates EVERYTHING to do with this story?? ME!!!!

Yesterday, we got news that the HVAC unit at our rented out house in Charleston will take over $900 to fix. It has to be fixed. We can’t wait on this. Do we have an emergency fund yet? No (not that we could have built one up by now anyway). Do we have a home repair fund like we should? No. Do we have any idea how we are going to fund this repair? No. Do we even have enough credit to put it on a credit card (don’t tell Dave)? No. Do I have a kidney to sell? No. I guess we can eat only rice and beans for the next six months, have a car repossessed, or miss a mortgage payment. And let’s not talk about Christmas coming, oh and Gabe’s birthday, oh and Hope’s birthday!

Anyone wanna buy an overpriced truck or van? No?

How about make a couple vehicle payments? No?

Oooo, want me to babysit? No?

My real question is what is the third thing in the series? Or did it all start back in June when I wrecked my van and Brandi’s car???

Monday Musings- Halloween Fun

2010-11-01T15:38:00.001-05:00

I’m really not a fan of Halloween. I mean, I LOVE the candy. I mean by that that I LOVE candy corn. I need a 12 step program because right now I’m in the throws of a bad case of candy corn withdraw because WalMart was out of it yesterday…. I think costumes are fun…for other people, and I’ve never understood the sadistic pleasure people find in being scared or scaring others (especially little children…insert angry mommy face here). And as a person that really doesn’t get children, having a gazillion kids come knocking isn’t all that a great idea. HOWEVER, watching OTHER people get scared by someone else is kinda funny. Those preteen boys that are all macho are my favorite. We heard a couple say they were just gonna go to the next house when they saw the get-up at one of Tony’s co-worker’s house. HA! AND, those kids that I’m not too fond of, well, they only are there for milliseconds as they dash from house to house and it is funny to watch the play over the faces of the kids with their parents behind them as they try to decide if they should say “trick or treat,” “thank you,” or even bother looking at you. So although, Halloween isn’t my favorite thing, we still make some kind of effort to do something and make it fun.

This year, Hope was old enough to enjoy it and understand it, but not old enough to really remember last year. So it was fun to watch her. She was Tinkerbell. Gabe started out wanting to be a preying mantis but I was able to convince him that I just couldn’t make that costume and was able to convince him to be a fairy with Hope and to go as Bobble from the movie.

He is the red head.

I think it came out pretty well.

Only problem was that NO ONE knew who he was! I guess not even girls watch the Tinkerbell movie. Oh well, we loved it and thought it was great.

See, they are flying!

Fab Friday- Yesterday

2010-10-29T12:39:00.001-05:00

Ever had one of those days where you felt great and had a great day all because of the day before? Well, today is that day for me. Yesterday was a great day. Only a couple dramas but overall a great day. The day started going out to feed and ride the horse. But poor Hope had her first fall off a horse.

This is Katie. She is 58 inches tall to where Hope was sitting. And yes Hope was wearing her helmet when she fell. And it was ALL MY FAULT!!! But Hope was a champ and only cried because she thought she was supposed to. I congratulated her on her awesome fall and I got three high fives from her. AND she got right back on with a big smile on her face. Atta girl!

Tony and I celebrated in style for our TEN year anniversary! That’s right, we went to McDonald’s!! AND Sonic!! We went out twice in one day! Both were MY choice. I just have a hard time spending more than 5 dollars for a meal per person. I mean really, it is only food. But that is what you get coming from me. Then Tony got to spend the afternoon with me which we put to good use cleaning out our storage area. Also my choice. I just love working with my hubby. Makes all those yucky jobs less yucky and really, as long as I’m with Tony I don’t really care what we are doing. And I’d rather get things done than sit around like I’m doing right now.

The day took a slight down turn from there. Tony had a flag football game last night. Instructors vs. students! Fundraiser. Tony plays center. They aren’t allowed to wear jewelry…even on their anniversary, the ring has to go. Yeah, I lost it after I volunteered to hold it. This just a couple weeks after losing the diamond out of my engagement ring. Maybe there is a good reason I don’t like jewelry…I can’t manage to keep it. But no worries, just a couple days after losing my diamond, I found it and after only 10 minutes of freaking out over the lost wedding ring, Tony found it in a pocket of the bag I took to the game. But the worst part….instructors lost the game. The students got a lucky touchdown near the end and the instructors had a couple butterfingers there at the end. But it was a great game. No blow outs.

Then we fed the horses again and came home to put the kids to bed early and cuddle a little on the couch while watching a TV show. All in all, MY kind of anniversary.

After ten years, I wouldn’t change a thing!!

Fab Friday- MG

2010-10-15T14:50:00.001-05:00

I have come to really enjoy one morning a week. It is sad that Sunday is not that day. I just never feel put together enough on Sundays. But Fridays, that is a whole other story. Friday morning is Morning Glories here. Just the name Morning Glories makes me smile. You see, I’ve NEVER been a morning person. Much to my own dismay. I hate mornings actually. And I know all those sayings, like “early bird catches the worm” or my Biblical favorite “this is the day that the Lord has made.” All I know is that my body/brain takes at least an hour to actually wake up. Funny thing is that within that hour my body and brain are striving for all they are worth to convince myself that going back to bed is the best thing for EVERYONE! And it is amazing what kind of arguments I can have with myself in that sleepy, in denial, childlike, fist pounding, body collapsing time. I hardly ever win the argument…with myself…..hmmmm…. Where was I?? Ah yes, Fridays are different because of the fact that I don’t have to feel put together. It is kinda the point. Morning Glories is a ladies Bible study group. All ages. All walks. All stages. We are there to lay it all on the table and honestly, how better to lay it all out there then with your jammies on, cereal in your hair, and different colored socks on, while your child is clinging to your leg begging for more juice? In fact, one morning, I woke up at 9:22 (yeah, it starts at 9:30) ran around trying to find clothes and get Hope changed and made it to class just a few minutes late without even having brushed my teeth….sorry ladies. I made a point of keeping my mouth closed and staying as invisible as I could. But these ladies are just so…so…great! Normal. Filled with issues. Filled with stress. Filled with stories. But best yet, filled with love. Love for others. Love for their families. Love for God. It is great. And the best part…free baby-sitting. OF which the best part is the church pays a couple teen, homeschooled girls to come in and watch the kids. That couldn’t get more win-win if you wanted it to. So to my Morning Glories Girls….I love you! You make a yucky morning….well, glorious!

Instructions

2010-10-01T21:24:00.001-05:00

I’ve been sewing like crazy the past couple weeks. Every time I’m working on something around Gabe, he’ll walk up and ask what it is and if it’s for him. He always asks this. Back when I was working on things for Hope, it made me feel so bad. It is just so hard to sew anything for a boy, and although Hope doesn’t really care that most everything I’ve made for her is clothing, Gabe doesn’t understand that. All he knows is that I make things for Hope, and now that I’m prepping for Christmas (and baby showers here and there), and for many others but never for him. So back when I was making those checkbook covers, I made him the one thing he was always asking for….a cheeseburger.

He also asked me the other day if I could make him, get this, a preying mantis costume for Halloween!! I actually laughed. How on earth do I make a costume like that in such a way that his “everything must be exactly right” brain will be happy with? Soooo NOT going to happen!!

So, tonight, in a moment of guilt and love for my boy, I asked him what he would like me to make him. He said that he didn’t know and wandered off. A few minutes later he came back all excited. He decided he wanted a roly-poly. Hmmm, well, that might be a little more doable. But I told him I didn’t know how to do that and it might take me some time to figure it out. And we both went back to what we were doing. I, of course, was trying to figure out how on earth I’m going to make a roly-poly out of fabric that can roll into a ball while also folding clothes and listening to Harry Potter on the CD player (gosh I love those books). He ran off with his ever-present pencil and paper. A while later Gabe comes running back to me to show off his latest creation (I’ll admit that this part of my day usually wears me a little thin as he is usually holding the same two or three types of drawings and asking me if I know what it is as if I wouldn’t have a clue and then he puts it half an inch from my eyeball and says “see it’s a _____”. EVERY TIME!!!!!). I always try to stop what I’m doing for the two seconds it takes to properly exclaim and admire said creation. This time, he was holding several small pages of paper and I heard him say “fabric.” That got my attention. He said, “first you take the fabric,”

“and you make a roly poly. And then you put on the head, like this. And put on the antenna, like this”

“and then you put it together, see?”

“and it rolls in a ball, like this”

It was the most beautiful thing I’d ever seen. I actually teared up a little. My little man, was listening when I said I didn’t know how. And in a great effort to help me, he made me an instruction book. Well, of course, it is so simple now! Duh! He was so proud, and I was too. What a sweet little man and the understanding and thought that went into the little book…

Do you think I’ll have parts left over and miss a few steps like always happens when you follow the instructions??

A Return to Teach Me Tuesday

2010-09-29T14:32:00.001-05:00

So, a day late, I’m back to Teach Me Tuesday. Over the past couple weeks I’ve been working on a new deal for horse keeping. I decided to try one more time to find a place to keep a horse or two in exchange for work. The last response I got from the last ad was quite literally a Godsend. The owners are a middle aged couple with three children (two have moved on, with one granddaughter) with the youngest being a high school aged son with Aspergers. They are a God fearing family with a very well cared for house, large yard, circular drive, and pool in the back. The barn is several years old but is a metal barn with a loft. Would fit six stalls and tack and feed area if they had it set up that way, they just don’t. The wife is at a stage in life that being outdoors is very relaxing and calms her spirit. Therefore, she has picked up some animals. She grew up with cows but has steered herself in a different direction. She has many chickens of various varieties, several goats, and an unexpected horse. A friend of hers was no longer able to care for the mare and so she took the horse in. But this sweet lady has never been around horses and knows nothing about them. So our new deal is that I’ll help her get started with horses (including training the mare who is actually very young, maybe 2-3) and she’ll house whatever horses she can. This isn’t a lady that is new to horses and boarding her horse somewhere that takes care of feeding and cleaning, this lady is caring 100% alone for this horse. Feeding, cleaning, grooming, vaccines, deworming, buying tack, learning safety, etc… But to her credit, I’ve rarely met a person so inclined to learn and retain and work to understand horses as her. She asks. She tells me when she doesn’t know something. She listens. She tries. She strives to do everything right and well. She is a natural. And her mare…well, this lady couldn’t have found a better untrained horse if she tried. So here is to new beginnings and new reasons for Teach Me Tuesday.

P.S. I’ve now worked with the mare three times and spent several hours teaching and helping this lady and both of us are very excited to see how everything goes!

Neon Sign

2010-09-27T07:54:00.001-05:00

In my attempt to figure out the me I wish I was versus the me God wants me to be, I have decided that my version of neon sign, and God’s aren’t quite the same. I keep asking him for a neon sign to point out the way and I haven’t seen one yet!

I wonder what it is that I’m not seeing. Those Israelites in the desert, yeah the ones that God used all those miracles to save from Egypt, that is me. I guess whatever it is that God is using to declare Himself to me, I seem to not see Him, just like the pillar of fire and pillar of clouds. They had God’s very obvious sign with them day and night yet they worshipped idols right there in camp. They were in the desert so long that an entire generation knew nothing else BUT having a pillar of fire and pillar of clouds around. They might not have even given it a moment’s thought. Like a strange neighbor that has always been there. No big deal.

My Monday musing, what very obvious thing/sign is that strange neighbor that has always been there that I’m not noticing….

Sets Done

2010-09-15T14:37:00.001-05:00

Water Feature

2010-09-15T12:05:00.001-05:00

Teach Me Nothing

2010-09-14T14:18:00.001-05:00

I really gotta find a new name for Tuesdays. Teach me Tuesday just isn’t going to work. I got nothing to teach anyone. I’m learning to sew, but all from online tutorials. I like to make cards, but I’m not good at it. I could teach you about horses, but no one cares. So I got nuthin’.

I guess for today I’ll ramble.

My deepest desire at this time is to help my mom get her horses sold.

One needs just some finishing touches before he is ready. He needs a good canter departure cue. He needs a quick stop. He needs to work on opening gates. He needs to be introduced to neck reining.

One needs more miles under saddle. She is very green. She is broke to saddle and bridle but nothing else.

One might need surgery to any more than a pasture ornament and money devourer.

Two belong to my wonderful aunt. One is a two year old that knows nothing. One is an ornery old mare that just needs lots of messing around with and maybe get her back into a cart.

One is a rescue mare that just needs reminding of who calls the shots.

One is just a yearling but big and smart enough to do some light work. He’d be a fantastic 4-H prospect. As a yearling stud colt (he is now gelded) I could let Hope walk right up to him and pet his nose and legs.

My mom works full time. My mom has had a hip replaced. She needs the other one done. She can sit mounted on a horse for about 20 minutes before her joints seize up (that includes warm up and any training). She has to leave for work before dawn. By the time she gets home, she has about 2 hours before it is dark. She has a blessed neighbor that helps her clean, and she’ll feed sometimes. She has one girl that comes on Saturdays for lessons and to help work. She has my dad that will feed in the morning. But otherwise, she has 10 plus equines to deal with. Alone. It is too much. But I’m helpless to help. I have the energy, the desire, the ability, the know how, the time, I have everything but a place. If only I could find a place… but this all goes back to my previous post…

Me or Him

2010-09-13T22:26:00.001-05:00

I’ve come to the conclusion that the me I wish I was is not who God wishes me to be. But then, I wish to be whoever He wishes me to be, but that isn’t really what I decided I want to be and that makes it all very confusing and very frustrating. I mean, I want to be who God wants me to be. ‘Cause really? How could life get any better than being right where He wants me to be? Even if it isn’t what I’d chose, His path for me is the absolute best, even if I can’t see it. But at the same time, I wonder if the things in my life that I seem to be drawn to are from Him or if I’m trying to selfishly follow my own wants that aren’t from Him.

I grew up with parents that never really got along. Don’t judge them, I try not to (which doesn’t always work). And this made it easy to find my refuge in the only place I could find. The stables. You see, I was a shy girl. Not one to make friends easily (that hasn’t changed much). I didn’t feel comfortable in my own skin even. I was constantly unsure. Always seeking assurance. But the horses…they didn’t care. The silent treatment wasn’t something I could take personally. They didn’t fly off the handle without cause. The thought of them hurting me didn’t cause me much strain since I was always hurting anyway. Horses were the place I could be and feel as safe as I could anywhere else sometimes more safe. And I was good with them. Mean and harsh to them many times (patience has never been my strong suit), but still I was good. I deemed young in life that I’d never marry a man that didn’t love horses (hee hee) and I never once thought of a future with anything else. Nope, never wanted to be a doctor, or lawyer, or teacher, or trash man. Horses. That was it. I remember on weekends being completely distraught when I’d find my mom left without me. It was that trapped and enclosed feeling. I took for granted all the people that bent over backwards at that stables to help me get there after school, to teach me, to take me anywhere and everywhere I needed to be with the horses. I could name every horse and tell you what that horse’s schedule was with their owner and never remember the owner’s name. I knew what most of them were fed even at a self care facility where everyone fed their own feed. I learned responsibility not in the home but in the barn. I learned the value of a dollar by barn standards not from seeking toys or games. I learned the value of one’s word there as well. If you made a promise, you better follow through because those horses were innocent if you forgot to feed or clean. They were my life. I’d go to school only to hurry through to get to the barn. School was a hobby. Horses were my life. It was natural during high school to conclude that I’d never be able to afford an equestrian college that I’d dreamed my whole childhood of attending, but I was still going to find horses. By this time though, I’d started going to church and realized that having a good man would greatly help me to continue my dream. I attended Texas A&M going for my MRS but backed it up with equine science. I even took my horse with me. I, of course, worked at the Horse Center on campus. Where I met a man that would change everything. A professor that saw my ability and seriousness even though he never saw me mount a horse and though I never took one of his classes. And he got me a full time job training. I had given up getting my MRS and decided to move on. Much longer story short, that was my last time to have horses be my life. I assumed that my husband would be a horseman, and kids would be raised as I was, in the barn. And now that I’m where I am, I still feel that panic of being trapped and enclosed like my mom left me at home to go to the barn without me. But is that my selfish desires of my life screaming at me about who I want to be? Or continuing to find my safe place somewhere I shouldn’t be looking? Is He just wanting me to look to Him more and more for my safe place? Horses no longer CONSUME my thoughts, but how much of that is because of what happened in my life that forced my separation from them? If I hadn’t gotten pregnant, gotten married, and had a one pound baby within a six month time frame and then had to care for a special needs baby, would things be different? Would horses still consume me? Did God try to give me a clean break from something He never really intended for me? At this point, fear is what keeps me from seeking out my old dreams. Lots of different fears. But all this still leads me back… the me I wish I was is not who God wishes me to be… and although I’d rather follow God’s lead, maybe God has sidetracked me enough and I have a renewed purpose with horses… They still call to me. Who is behind it? Me or Him?

Busy At The Machine!

2010-09-10T13:18:00.001-05:00

So there has actually been a reason for not blogging. I’ve been busy, and when I wasn’t busy, I was wanting to blog about being busy, but some of my busyness was a secret since I really don’t know if anyone actually reads my blog, and I didn’t want someone to see what I’d done before I gave it to them, which I’m not sure it matters since I don’t think that person even reads my blog, but if they did….

Anyway, I’ve been sewing. I told myself that I wouldn’t start any other projects before finishing Mary’s quilt, but that quilt…. it has become like a four letter word to me. I’m beginning to hate that thing. If it wasn’t for Mary, I’d have tossed in the towel already for many reasons. One, I’m a perfectionist and it is FAR from perfect. Two, the thing makes my arms and wrists hurt trying to shove it through my machine which isn’t meant for a queen sized quilt to be shoved through. Three, it is just taking me FOREVER because I’ve never quilted anything like it before. And four, I don’t want it to leave my house because I love the stupid thing. It is one of those love/hate things.

Where was I? Ah yes, new projects. Well, after I told myself this rule, someone had the audacity to have a baby and have a baby shower before my arms and wrists had managed to finish Mary’s quilt. So…as usual, I ignored my own rule and put Mary’s quilt aside.

First I made a taggie thing. I’ve made taggie blocks and taggie blankets, but I saw online that someone made a cloth initial and put little taggies around it. I also saw someone made a robot, with a crinkly layer, out of felt. I decided to combine the two. I made an initial taggie with crinkle inside. And you know I had a picture of it but accidentally deleted it, and now it is gone seeing as the baby shower was last night… It didn’t come out like I planned, but it came out cute enough. Maybe I can get Jane to send me a picture…if she even reads this…which I doubt she does….

Next I found a pattern online for a beanie frog. I decided to stuff it with fluff instead of beans and I got this:

Then, I thought, well they have a 2 1/2 year old son too and I want to make another item anyway, so I made another frog and filled it with rice:

Frankly, it is ugly. The stuffed frog had a closure it a difficult spot, so I decided to try the closure on the front and make the closure the “mouth.” Yeah, it is ugly. But Hope loves the ugly thing and sleeps with it now…so I changed it up a little and made this with rice:

It is SOOOO much cuter. I used flannel instead of just cotton fabric and it is soft and floppy and just the right weight.

Then I had to make a card to go with it…another no picture there.

Then I got on a roll a decided to try making something for my mom. She cleaned out her closet on one of our recent trips to her house and we found all these old vests that her and I used to wear all the time. The time when I really didn’t have any dress clothes of my own and had just started going to church and borrowed all these vests from my mom:

I’m not sure these were ever really in fashion, but they certainly aren’t now and I convinced her to get rid of them. She made a comment that she thought they’d make good checkbook covers. It is a tapestry type material and yeah, they’d be nice and sturdy. So I decided to try one after finding a tutorial online:

They came out pretty cute. All I need to do now is make a matching credit/debit card holder to go with it…

But for Fab Friday, I’m feeling pretty fab. Not for what I made, but that I actually FINISHED things and that I’m much more pumped to work on Mary’s quilt again!

How To Not Get Your Heart Broken- A Twelve Step Program

2010-09-07T22:01:00.001-05:00

Okay so this might not apply to everyone but this relates to horses.

Step one: Find your dream horse

Step two: Manage to find someone else to pay for your dream horse

Step three: Have the person funding dream horse win the said horse in an online auction

Step four: Arrange a time to have the funding person spend the night and enjoy her grandkids for the evening before heading out to pick up dream horse

Step five: Arrive at facility to pick up dream horse

Step six: Immediately notice how incredible dream horse is

Step seven: Quickly after, notice how dream horse is moving up and down the fence line as far away from people as dream horse can get with eyes focused out to pasture unless warily watching us

Step eight: Talk with the facility manager about how dream horse’s behavior hasn’t changed in the month dream horse has been there

Step nine: Start worrying about all the ways dream horse could get into trouble

Step ten: Watch person funding dream try desperately to figure out a way to keep dream horse

Step eleven: Get smacked with the very real possibility of injury to dream horse and/or funding person

Step twelve: Decide the funding person is way more important and dear than any ‘ole dream horse could ever even think of being

Hammer Time

2010-09-01T19:27:00.001-05:00

Wordless Wednesday

Trees

2010-08-30T19:26:00.001-05:00

The past couple days I’ve been trying to transfer a lot of info onto a family tree maker. I found a site that publishes and allows you to download programming all for free. Of course there are parts of the program you have to pay to use, but for now, the free stuff is all I want or need. Today’s Monday Musing is just the astonishing facts that you can learn about family. Tony got on the phone with his family to talk about parents and grandparents when it became his turn to provide some info for the program. I know it was the first time he learned some of the info for his grandparents and his parents. And some of the things I’m finding out are just so cool. And I haven’t even scratched the surface of my family. Only two folders so far in the box and nothing at all from my dad’s side has been added yet. I fear this project could take a LONG time. Wish I had photos to add…..

….and now I’m wondering where my kids will take the rest of the yet unknown family….

SILHOUETTE MACHINE GUEST GIVEAWAY!!!!

2010-08-26T12:17:00.000-05:00

SILHOUETTE MACHINE GUEST GIVEAWAY!!!!

ANOTHER!!!

AND ANOTHER!!!!

AND ANOTHER!!!

Three Days

2010-08-25T07:37:00.001-05:00

So I missed a few days…again. Ah well. Not going to sweat it. Not going to attempt to catch up either. Today is Wordless Wednesday again and I’ve ruined it with all this talk so I’m going to hush now….

School Year 2010

2010-08-19T20:56:00.001-05:00

So for Thankful Thursday today I’m thankful for two things. Dental insurance…and a bright start for 2010 school year. We all went to the dentist this morning. Well, every one that isn’t covered by the AF. Hope did fabulous. She did everything except x-rays. She had her teeth counted, the teeth picked at, the teeth cleaned, water sprayed, suction done, gums poked at, flouride applied, and she struggled with spitting in the cup. She only fussed once…and she sat by herself. Gabe did great too…expect for the cavities. He has two. He even had x-rays done (I don’t remember him doing them before). And me, well, I can’t get onto Gabe for cavities if I have them too… I also have two. But if it weren’t for insurance, I’m sure all of our teeth would have fallen out by now since I’m a procrastinator and wouldn’t have scheduled at all.

But the real heartfelt thanks is for a school year that makes me want to smile. I’m very hopeful for a good year. His class has six students of varying age. Three are new to the class, three have been in this class before. The teacher has been teaching for 8+ years in the spectrum class and her paraprofessional that assists has been doing that for 5 years. They have both been sent to classes and had many extensive hours of education for autism. They have a system that works in the class but still have the ability to meet each and every child’s specific needs and ways of learning. Gabe is actually excited about school and asking every day if it is time for school yet. The classroom set up is well done and they have all kinds of therapy type equipment right there in the room (including a special swing for sensory issues and a meltdown corner with the biggest pillows I’ve ever seen. The staff overall seems much better equipped in education and understanding than the other school…no offense to the other school. I just hope that they are able to help him stay focused and on task enough to help get him on the road to catching back up to his peers.

I’m thankful that for the moment, I’m not questioning every decision and every thought about educating my son. I’m still planning to look into home schooling next year unless my schedule changes (I’m hopeful to find a way to bring in some income…).

Wordless Wednesday

2010-08-18T20:45:00.001-05:00

Kicker

2010-08-17T19:12:00.001-05:00

I just got an email….so totally disregard me becoming a teacher…not happening apparently.

A Splash of Fun

2010-08-17T19:11:00.001-05:00

So what do you do when the kids aren’t behaving quite well enough to go to the water park they keep asking about?? You set out the slip n slide (which eventually gets ignored because we need to mow…), refill the pool, put in some soap, and add a slide.

And yes, Hope is shirtless. Hey don’t judge me, she couldn’t slide down the slip n slide with it on… you can see it hanging on the brown climber.

And this is what I got to do while they played:

Prime some beadboard for my madre. I have it stacked up drying all over the carport….

Missed One

2010-08-17T17:49:00.001-05:00

So I missed yesterday. I sat here for more than an hour trying to get my pictures and videos to work off my phone…to no avail. And of course, within seconds of my asking Tony when he got home, he figured it out. By that time though, I was doing other things and didn’t get to sit back down to post. Oh well. So for today: two posts.

Today is Teach Me Tuesday and I have a feeling it won’t take long for me to rename Tuesdays since I really don’t have anything to teach any one. And frankly, I don’t know what to do for today….

The only thing on my mind for today is the horses that will soon be under my care. Soon, I’ll have two horses that will be relying solely on me for their care. That hasn’t ever happened. There have ALWAYS been others. My mom, a stable owner, a trainer, etc… But soon, it will be all up to me. Everyday. 24/7. It will be me doing the teaching for others…scary. I’ve never been a teacher before. Here is what put me in this place.

We get news of an auction being held by the Bureau of Land Management. One of the first horses I see is my absolute dream horse. He is incredibly beautiful, kind looking, spirited, not a baby (aka ready to be trained NOW), and best of all…cheap. Long story short (see HERE for more details), we win him. Now he has to be picked up in OK which is the closest holding facility to my mom’s place. At the same time that we realize we have won this wonderful horse, my mom is surprised by being GIVEN a miniature horse for Hope. Well, how can Hope have a horse and not see it regularly I ask you?? So after meeting this pony and my kids riding him, I realize I must have him near by. And low and behold, my mom already is having to drive to OK to pick up the mustang…!! Why not kill two birds with one road trip as the saying goes. She can pick up “Klansee” and drop off a pony at the same time. And while she is at it, and since I’ll have to find a place to keep the pony anyway, why not bring one of the horses we are trying to sell for me to train? I can train Bilbo (the pony) for the kids, train horses in turn for my mom, and everyone wins. All I had to do was find a place to keep a couple horses. Enter: Craigslist. So while we were still out of town working at my mom’s place and just a day or so after getting Bilbo, I place an ad looking for stall space. I figured I could find a place to keep horses for free in exchange for helping someone else with their personal horses. My mom could cover the expenses on our horses (she’d be doing that regardless of their location), and someone else could get free training on their horses just for housing two more. No brainer… I THOUGHT. It didn’t work out. No responses that did more than first contact . My mom and I figured that anyone that might really need those services aren’t actively looking at Craigslist. So I posted my ad a little bit differently saying I would work for stall space and didn’t mention any kind of training. Success!! I got an email. Something about this email though… Normally, I wouldn’t have bothered. The response was “Give me a call later today/this evening. Jim” and a phone number. Maybe it was me getting desperate to find a place before my mom HAD to be there to pick up Klansee, but I don’t think so. Something tugged at me to call this perfect stranger (with NO info to go on…heck I had more info on a couple other replies that I didn’t bother returning) and to talk to him. So I did.

Wait. I heard that! All those gasps from you guys that I actually CALLED someone! I can hear you ya know! Anyway, I talked first to his wife. A wonderful, pleasant lady that just made me feel comfortable. Later, I talked to the husband and I still was very at ease. I felt that the planned meeting time was just a precursor to full acceptance by both parties. It couldn’t be more perfect. The deal was this: The family had JUST bought this property (not even living there a month yet) that had a barn but they didn’t yet have anything in it. They bought the property with the intentions of 4-H and learning about all kinds of things. I remember rabbit, sheep, goats, and pigs being mentioned. And of course horses. However, this family doesn’t know much of anything about any of these projects. We all figured it was a match made in heaven. I need stalls, they need lessons. Perfect. And you wouldn’t believe the set up they have. It is a four stall barn (concrete aisle), with rubber mats, separate feed room and tack room, some cabinets in the tack room, adjoining runs off the stalls, and a big open pasture. There isn’t a round pen or arena, but I’m okay with that. We can easily manage since my mom can get the round pen work done at her place before I get them. The family doesn’t plan on getting any animals of their own until spring and this will give me plenty of time to teach them about horses before they decide whether to start big with horses or not. The family consists of the dad, a retired Army man now teaching ROTC in high school, the mom, a stay at home mom who has decided SHE wants to learn first, and two girls ages 9 and 7 (if I remember right…which I might not). So come September 2nd, I’ll become an instructor for all things equine for this family. Someone might want to warn these nice people about me….

Here is the kicker!! Turns out that they also attend the Church of Christ!! I love GOD!!!

Grandpa Ken, Grandma Ann

2010-08-13T16:32:00.001-05:00

Today is Fab Friday. Today was the first day I sat down and looked at the CDs from Mary that came in while we were at my mom’s. On there are group pictures, family pictures, birthday pictures, and going away pictures. And I’m ashamed to admit that after having such a long and wonderful relationship with the Leach’s, the only pictures of them with us are on this disk. How you can come to call people “grandpa” and “grandma” without blood kin and NOT have any pictures is ridiculous. Picture me hanging my head in shame. But on the bright side, we made a point of getting some made before we moved of them with the kids. Here they are:

Below is “see no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil”

These people are completely God’s gift to all who know them. Two more wonderful, God-fearing, and loveable people you’ll never know. They adopted us. Ann drove me to most ALL my prenatal appointments with Hope. She baked us bread and cooked more meals than I remember. They both took care of us when Tony deployed. They helped me out when I flatted my tire and needed a ride. They would drop everything if we ever needed a thing. They babysat for us. They picked Gabe up from school just to play with him. They went to school to have lunch with Gabe. Took care of Hope when I needed to go out to the barn in bad weather. You name it…they were there. Fabulous People. Missed every day. Wish I could bottle them up and bring them with us everywhere. And the kids…well, the kids adored them. Even if Hope was a little wishy-washy with Grandpa Ken….

In An Effort

2010-08-12T15:39:00.001-05:00

Not blogging has been causing me some internal grief. Much guilt is involved. I see your disappointed faces when you come here with anticipation of seeing something new, only to find all your hopes smashed to the ground…all because I’m too lazy to make the effort. Well, I’ve decided to try something new. Dedicating each weekday to something in particular. In theory, this will make it easier to post because it will make it easier to decide WHAT to post. So for today: Thankful Thursday.

I spent a couple hours this morning, much to Hope’s dismay and overall grouchiness, going through a new addition to our house:

This little box holds treasure. My mom’s family history. After only going through ONE folder today, I found these:

They are: Both my Great Grandfather’s and Great Grandmother’s birth certificates (hand typed and intact seals issued in 1945), a certified copy (with intact seal) of my Great Grandfather’s honorable discharge from the Army following World War 1, a hand typed copy of my Great Grandfather’s application for pension from the VA dated 1959 that has some VERY interesting info on it (like he only went through 8th grade), and a hand signed copy of my great grandparents’ will.

I feel very privileged to have these things in my hands. And I’m very thankful for the work my grandparents put into getting this information put together. I can’t wait to see what else is in store. I know for sure that there is Civil War info in here…

Thank you Grandma and Buddy.

Lost

2010-07-22T23:22:00.001-05:00

I’ve been feeling down recently. Nothing big. Just like I’ve lost my way. It’s that feeling you get when you walk into a room and forget why you are there. That “now I came here for a reason…what was it??” feeling. God has brought me here and made the path fairly obvious…now what?

I’ve been feeling a heavy pull to buy some property and “settle down” but after much honest talking, that just isn’t in the cards.

I’ve been feeling a heavy pull to become active with horses. But NO ONE in my life agrees.

I’ve been thinking about finding a job but then what do I do with Hope? I would like her to have time with other kids and to learn more stuff but we can’t afford it and I’d be working just to pay for her care.

I couldn’t really get a job anyway because I have NO education. Unless you guys can see me working at WalMart….

I have been thinking about getting some education but then again, what do I do with Hope? Can’t afford daycare without a second job.

I have been feeling like we have too much stuff (bills maybe) but I can’t do a darn thing about it. I’m a minimalist and don’t have much to begin with.

I feel like a bad mom half the time because I feel like I should be doing SOMETHING with them other than watching TV or playing in the water.

I feel like I should be doing more crafting, but every time I do, the kids get in the way, mess things up, or I become overly sensitive and the kids get the short end of the stick.

I just don’t know where to go…what to do…how to do whatever it is…if God wants me to do any of this…

I came in here for something…what was it??

New Things

2010-06-24T14:52:00.001-05:00

So these are some new things we got back in April.

Further proof that you can be girly without pink overload! Hope loves her new bed and has only fallen out occasionally. Tinkerbell is just about her favorite movie (although, she really likes whatever Gabe likes too ; P ).

And the bestest thing EVER, is my new van. After some maneuvering we are paying about $10 less each month on this than on the Corolla. The Corolla was an ‘03 this is an ‘06. I had been wanting a van for many years but it used to be for traveling with the danes. Then it was for just in case we ever had another kid after Hope. And now it is for HOPE!! I’m telling you I’ve never known a girl to pee so much. Pulling over on busy highways (or toll roads) because she has to “potty” for the 15th time in the past hour, isn’t fun in a sedan. But in THIS thing… no problem. Don’t even have to get out. Which means on car trips I don’t even have to put my shoes on. LOVE IT!!!!

I got my walk through space for potty breaks. And notice the potty stashed behind Gabe’s seat. And the paper towels, wipes, and disinfectant in the arm rest behind Hope’s seat.

And here, is the reason this particular van was picked… DVD player installed with a screen in the back of the front headrests! They each have their own screen and when Hope is older they can each have their own headsets (right now she plays with them and just tears them up).

I’m also LOVIN’ the stow’n go!! Now just gotta find a new home for the bumbo and the play table in the back there…

Then there is Tony’s new baby. His Tundra that we searched for high and low. It is hard to find one that was cheap enough without having high miles. He loves his truck and I have to say that I do to. Just wish it had running boards for this little shorty to climb in. The kids think they are hot stuff in this truck.

Sibling Talk

2010-06-17T09:40:00.001-05:00

Gabe (now nine years old): “I don’t know HOW to draw a mantis.” (he draws the best mantises in the world by the way)

Hope (two years old): “Draw a mantis!”

Gabe: “You WILL?!”

Gabe: “Not a scribbly <insert flapping of his hand> mantis.”

Catching Up 5 - Literally

2010-05-20T20:41:00.001-05:00

In April, one of Tony's college buddies (one of Tony's groomsmen at our wedding) got married in Kansas. We drove up for the event with a stop to visit with Tony's best friend (and another college buddy) and their wonderful family. Sam had drills that weekend for the Army and wasn't able to go to the wedding, but we had a great time hanging out, talking, watching all the kids play, and of course eating!! The last time we got to do those things was 6 years ago. Austin wasn't here yet, Hope wasn't here yet, Tricia was just a toddler, and Sammy, well, he was much shorter! =) This time, Tricia was quite taken by Gabe and latched onto him the whole time. Hope was mesmerized by the antics of all three. Gabe was Gabe but in a realm of real boy roughness. Ashly was as funny as always and took great care of us when Sam was away. I just love her. So a great time was had by all!

Interrupt the Catching Up

2010-05-12T11:22:00.001-05:00

I've really meant to do more catching up, but life has gotten away with me...again. Last week was a busy one. Anyway, today was Gabe's final ARD (IEP) meeting for the year. The big decision was FINALLY agreed on.

Gabe will be moving schools. I'm excited about this. I know it will take some time before we see improvement, but I really think that this is the best thing. Since there are only two weeks of school left, we will wait to start next school year.

I discussed holding him back in 3rd grade as he is only really performing at 1st grade level, but the pros and cons were discussed and he biggest factor being that since he is already under an ARD with accommodations for each subject that it doesn't really matter what "grade" he is in and to hold him back would only make things worse in Gabe's mind. So ON TO FOURTH GRADE!!!

We discussed doing an extended school year for him as well but since we are already setting him up for another major transition we thought that ESY is not a good choice this year. The ESY program at the new school is actually run out of the middle school campus and is not taught by who will be his new teacher. It is only 4 weeks long and only 5 hours a day...sooooo not worth it right now.

The plan is to take Gabe out of school two days next week to visit his new school and new classroom, including the big reward day for the spectrum room on Friday which is movie day. We will also plan on visiting his classroom a couple times just before school starts to prepare him for the change.

He will also be going back to riding on the school bus which will come to our house to pick him up.

His new class is very structured and has all the sensory equipment and accommodations he needs right in the classroom. He will have so many less transitions that I really think he will do so much better. He will work off a visual schedule (all his testing indicated that his highest level is in the visual realm) and will use picture boards to help with transitions. He will have so many new sensory objects and rewards that he has to find something he really likes. I can't wait for next year to start!

Catching Up 4 -Easter

2010-05-07T12:31:00.001-05:00

Catching Up 3

2010-05-01T21:10:00.001-05:00

Meet our viking. He is a ruthless sort. He is off to tame his dragon...and some day we'll see the movie...

Catching Up 2

2010-04-29T21:15:00.001-05:00

Tony came home at lunch one day and found Hope and I hard at work. Her machine is almost too heavy for me to move and the needle was in the down position but boy did she have a fantabulous time with her bag o scraps.

The next day (or two, can't really remember) I finished up these fun bags made out of Tony's old uniforms.

She had great fun filling it up and carrying it ALL OVER THE PLACE!! Her first handbag.... at least it is camo...

Catching Up

2010-04-28T22:39:00.001-05:00

Here are some short blogs just to catch up in pictures:

Hope's first snow. She loved it. Didn't care that her fingers were half frozen. Screamed when I forced her to go back inside.

I wrote the "G" and "H" and Gabe had to write in "M" for me. When I asked him about "D", he tossed it in. "D" was all snug and cozy inside cooking breakfast for us.

This is under our carport. The gate is even with the eaves of the roof above. I think it was a mite windy.

It was perfect powder and made excellent snowballs...even once inside the house....

Finishing the Year

2010-04-21T17:03:00.001-05:00

We finally had Gabe's school meeting last Tuesday. All I can say is WOWSA. I have never been in a meeting that lasted so long! It was more than 2 hours when I finally told the ladies that I had to go since we had an appointment in Dallas that evening. I will start really by saying that I am NOT AT ALL disappointed by anything but I really don't think some of these ladies understand. They are trying, but without having hands on experience trying to teach Gabe...you just couldn't understand. In attendance were both his regular ed teachers (he is in a split/duel taught class), his shadow (a wonderful substitute teacher without any special ed training- not that I think anyone needs special ed training to work with Gabe), his occupational therapist, his speech therapist, the school diagnostician, a school psychologist, the resource room teacher, a special ed counselor, and the school principal. Whew, that is a lot of women. They had done some testing the week before which gave evidence that Gabe is mostly performing at a beginning 1st grade level. Of course his biggest weakness is in language. Understanding it, using it, and reading it. This makes grade appropriate work very difficult. His classroom study is just too much for him which is apparently overly stimulating him, frustrating him, and causing him to quit...who wouldn't with that pressure. So now we have two sides to this dilemma. One camp says, "let's pack his bags and send him to the other school" (the one I've blogged about already). The other camp says, "let's increase the already in place accommodations and see if we can find a way to keep him here." I can see both arguments. The thing is that one camp is the camp that actually WORKS with him every day and the other camp are the ones that are admin people. Like I stated at the beginning here, I'm not upset or put off by this at all. I really do see the validity of both sides. I basically don't know what to do. I DID mention that homeschooling is something I might look to if they can't figure out something. By the end of the meeting, good ideas were coming and things were sorta decided on as things to try. We meet again May 12th to decide what to do for next year. For now, we will be staying at his current school and hoping for better work. His teachers are frustrated with trying to figure out what works. The admin think that things are doable without ever being there to witness reality (they are listening and trying to work with it but all their ideas are based in the mystical world that schedules and theory "should work"). And this mom is just going to sit back and watch the drama... (but only because I'm confident that nothing can be done with only six weeks of school left anyway)

Okay, Hope and Tony

2010-04-08T13:43:00.001-05:00

For Hope's first ride I had to go with her to keep her in the seat, make sure she didn't freak out, and to make sure she didn't fall out if there was an "incident". Hope is very unsure but not overly worried.

But in no time, it is apparent that she loves it and that Cal is in good spirits. Gabe was really wanting to go to so we made sure Hope was as secure as we could make her and sent both kids off with Grammy.

And I just love an airborne pony!

And again! Thank goodness for action shots on digital cameras....to bad you have to delete about 600 to get that one or two good ones....

Okay, now I have to give a high hoof to Cal here. The poor little guy doesn't get much work. It isn't very often he is harnessed and goes for a stroll. The day before these pictures Cal had a long late morning workout session driving in the pasture. Pastures aren't smooth. They require much more effort...for everyone. And my mom and Cal spent the morning teaching a young lady how to drive a cart. And then the next morning he is hauled out again and gave cart rides to me and Hope, Hope and Gabe (several times), and then...Tony.

Tony had to sit on the leading edge of the seat just to keep the cart upright and not to flip it over backwards. You should have seen the look that Cal gave when Tony got in....FUN-NY! Look at the little guy having to drop his head and put his shoulder into it...

But they didn't go far....

Short Walk Home

2010-04-06T15:50:00.001-05:00

I know I said I'd post pics of Hope and Tony with Cal.... It's coming....later.

EVERY school day since March 1, when Gabe started school here, there has been some sort of tantrum in school. As big as the one they called me about to ask for me to come pick him up, to the little ones that I really only hear about in passing (I talk to his shadow every day). These make for long walks home. Sometimes we even throw in a meltdown on the way home. Today was no different. He apparently had a great day...until the end. When they were playing a game and he didn't want to be "out." He wouldn't even come within 5 feet of me or make any kind of eye contact with me when he came out of school. You see, we had a deal. If he could go all day today without a meltdown of any kind and if he made good choices he'd be able to keep his favorite toy from Easter. If not....well, he'd have to introduce said toy to the garbage can. Poor little toy. So on the way home I kinda just let him think about everything and let it settle. About halfway home, after he had already told me what the consequences would be (without any drama), he was doing his "Gabe talk" and speaking to himself incoherently when he suddenly looked up at me and said, "I'm sorry for being mean. Can you forgive me?" Just like that. Plain as day. The walk home today was much shorter than normal.

Sweet South Carolina

2010-04-06T07:14:00.001-05:00

As we struggle here with Gabe and school, every day I wonder about this move. I keep second guessing our decision to come here (because we did request this special duty assignment). I miss Gabe's school and the assurance I got everyday knowing that Gabe had a great school family that knew him and was fully willing and capable enough to handle him. Should we have stayed for his sake? Yesterday we received this:

It is a pack of letters from his old school. Each and every one is filled with thoughts and missings of our boy. Complete with pictures of his two favorite things, cheeseburgers and mantises. I must admit, it made me a little weepy. My heart swelled with love for KES and for all we left behind. This morning, I'll say a special prayer for these sweet South Carolinians. We miss you all!!

Gabe's First Cart Ride

2010-04-05T13:00:00.001-05:00

I've been trying to convince my mom for some time now to get rid of all the horses but a select few. She has so many that she never has time to really enjoy them. Yeah, she loves caring for them too, but I think she'd have more fun being able to DO something with them. This is Cal, he is not on my list for the chopping block. Can you tell why? Look at my mom's face.... It tells all. Gabe doesn't look like he is having all that much fun, but that is only because he doesn't understand or know what to expect. However, the next time Grammy tacked up Cal, he was rearin' to go and mad when he had to get out. This will be a regular activity when we visit now. Next posting will show Hope's first ride and .....Tony's!!!

Coming to Terms

2010-03-25T17:31:00.001-05:00

It really isn't official yet, but soon Gabe will be moving schools. This school has an autistic trained teacher and specialized classroom. I'm really on the fence about this. On one hand, I'd love to see if someone with more training can really help Gabe and find ways to help all of us that we can't or haven't come up with. On the other hand, each case of autism is so completely different that I'm not sure if they'll be able to find a way. On one hand, this classroom just may be able to adjust schedules and academic work to help him advance where he isn't able right now. On the other hand, keeping him away from his peers and what can be considered a normal classroom environment just might send him spiraling down in the way of normality (which is the goal for all children- to become able to sustain themselves within the workings of the normal world). At this point, my goals for Gabe are not to become the next Einstein. I just want him to be able to be self sufficient and able to lead a normal life. Yes, third grade academic work would be a requirement to lead a normal life, but mastering those skills within the schools' time set isn't important to me. It is more important to me that he remains within his peer set. However, if this new class is better able to teach him things, he might be able to master said academic work and be able to be integrated back into his peer set without having a major discrepancy between him and his peers. All that said, I'm coming to terms with this change. I'm at the point that now I'm requesting the transfer. After a month of school here, I've had it. Gabe is not behaving in a way that I could have ever expected before coming here. Even Gabe's school IEP mentions that even as an autistic child, he has no trouble with transitions (as long as adequate warnings have been given leading to said change), but his behavior here is totally different. He has great trouble with transitions with the school here (and based on conversations I do not believe the school is at all responsible for this). He flatly refuses to do work, he ignores most of any teaching time, he really seems to not remember things he learned before the move, he is struggling more for word recall (even at home) and proper sentence structure than before the move, and his meltdowns are completely out of control. The boy is only 12 inches shorter than me now (we measured) and it is becoming very difficult to keep him from hurting himself or property when he has a meltdown now. Luckily the school staff has not pushed him so hard that he has had one of these at school, but this also means that on the whole he is getting away with too much at school (but they don't really know him well enough yet to know what he is capable of and how much he is manipulating them). For now, getting Gabe drawn back out and better able to function within any type of academics is the most important. So I guess, bring on the new school!

I Know I Said...

2010-03-08T20:45:00.001-06:00

...that I'd post more pics a couple days ago...well...you all should know me by now.

With that said, here are the heartwarming pics of a girl and her Grammy:

in the freezing temps:

feeding the horses:

and the ponies:

(this next one didn't come out as well as I'd hoped since the auto focus focused too close to me...)

"it's a rough job, but somebody's gotta do it..."

and for a bonus for being so patient with me...

Hope's first pig tails that her girly-inept mother gave her before leaving the house AFTER church on Sunday:

apparently my technique could use some work...

how stinkin' cute can she get??? Serisously!!! But I'll never be as good as this lady!

Out of Sight

2010-03-04T09:32:00.001-06:00

Just now, my little girl was crying. You see, today is the first day that we walked Gabe to school AND said goodbye to Daddy as he has to work today. So it is just me and Hope all day. For the first time in over a month. Just now, I was in Hope's room with her (also my craft room) making a to-do list for crafting. I needed to go potty so I walked out and to Hope's way of thinking "disappeared." When she discovered a closed door between us, she became upset. So upset that she is still clinging to my right arm forcing me to type this left handed.... She is still sniffling. As I comforted her upon my "reappearance," I thought of God. I thought of how we get when we lose sight of Him. How He longs to hold us when we realize we don't know what to do without Him. How when we are so upset, we cling to Him. How much He loves us. How much His children must hurt Him when we turn away from Him and lose sight of Him. I know He is always there waiting to hold me close and remind me that He loves me. My cup overflows....

Visit

2010-03-04T08:37:00.001-06:00

One of our first things on our agenda once we got to Texas was to visit my grandmother. Gabe and Hope are her only great grand kids thus far. Poor woman.... (hee hee)

Here is the three generation shot with my uncle John (my mom and John are the youngest of my grandmother's four kids, the other two daughters couldn't come)

For those that haven't met both my parents...here they are.

And here is my aunt Cindy (John's wonderful and better half). She is an exceptional grandmother herself!

We had a great visit and hope we didn't wear out Grandma too much by taking over her home for the day.

More pictures to come tomorrow from our travels....

Equals

2010-01-15T00:20:00.001-06:00

This is how math works in our house:

Innocent toddler toys + weirdo eight year olds =

Curly haired toddler + long night in bed =

Cleaning out craft supplies + sticker crazy girl =

Almost 7 years in a plumbing shop + a going away gift =

This is by far the coolest going away present I've ever seen!! The toilet handle is the on/off switch!! I LOVE IT!!! It is hilarious!

Last Times

2010-01-12T22:53:00.001-06:00

Today Brandi and I had our last crafting day together. The worst part is that the kids are all now at an age that craft days are really much more productive. The kids can entertain themselves very well, there are two of us to watch all the little hands, it is enough of a break from the normal routine that they are all very well behaved, one of us can always be working on the craft instead of feeding/changing/burping/holding/kissing boo-boos etc..., and of course the kids are so much cuter playing together. And now that we have all that worked out...we're leaving...typical. It was great fun today, thanks Brandi!!

We are also trying to get one more "last time" in for everything we can think of. Monday night will be the last singing practice with Tony's group. Tomorrow is Gabe's last IEP meeting at school. We will have our last family picture session with Mary on Sunday. We want to have one more game night with our friends from the base (now that Shane is finally home from Qatar). We want to have one more date night before we lose our church family babysitters. And we might even squeeze into the last military banquet at our church. 12 more days left...

Rebellion

2010-01-10T23:11:00.001-06:00

This is probably not a good thing but I'm in church meeting rebellion. I decided today that the church here just isn't going to work for the next couple weeks. The church just isn't doing for me what I think God made it for (and I can't see that we are meeting anyone else's needs either). See, knowing that I'm leaving all these blessed and wonderful people just makes being with them depressing. I spend every second thinking of nothing but how much I'm going to miss this person and that person and even that person way over there. And we've gotten to the point that other people talk to us about nothing but our moving, cause really, why talk about anything else since we won't be here to experience anything else. We might be able to squeeze into the military banquet before leaving, but nothing after. Pregnancies we will never see the results of. Retreats we couldn't go to even if we wanted to. Classes we won't attend. Singing songs we won't be singing here. Games we won't play...etc. And as I've said many times, I'm NOT one for going away parties. I can go to other people's parties because a) I don't HAVE to talk to them as long as they see me, and hugging requires no speech b) I can leave whenever I want to. You put ME in the middle and it is sheer torture. Everyone says, "Yeah but other people need to say good bye to you. It is for them not for you." My response is this. The best way to show me you'll love me and miss me is without making me stand in front of a group of people (many there simply for whatever free food they can find) and watch them all stare at me. I have no problem with hugging necks, accepting whatever it is that people want to say, and visiting. Don't make me do it in front of a crowd or with some kind of spotlight in my face. I'm a corner dweller and putting me in the middle induces my flight response. If people need to say good bye to me that badly, my address is in the directory and my phone number (with attached answering machine since we all know I don't answer the phone) is in the same place. I welcome any one that wants to say whatever it is they need to say...even if you want to yell at me. I'm good with that. Just leave the crowd out of it. You are welcome in my home and on my machine....

Much love,

Ms. Queen of Anti-Socialism

Habits

2010-01-08T22:22:00.001-06:00

I've gotten so out of the habit of writing that now, when I want to write...I got nothin'.

With the looming disaster of renting out our house, we find ourselves having to do something we aren't very good at...keeping the house in "show" condition. I'm kinda hoping that this short time of having to do this will make it a habit I can try to keep up with later....HA!

I have gotten in the habit of sitting at the computer before going to bed. All because of facebook and those silly games. And now that I've gotten burned out on the games I find myself sitting here doing nothing and wondering why I'm awake. So maybe I can take this time (like I'm doing right now) to blog more regularly. Which, lets face it is so much better than wasting my life away plowing, planting, and harvesting...(can't believe I said that...)

To the Ard family, we love you!! We think of you every day and pray that comfort and peace are where you wallow.

Christmas Crafts

2010-01-01T16:08:00.001-06:00

As we all know, Christmas was tight. Here is what having a tight Christmas makes:

For Gabe's wonderfully loved shadow, the first bag I've ever made...

For Uncle B, the first CD holder and coffee cup sleeve I've ever made...

For Brandi's boys Wesley and Riley, the first felt food I've ever made and first sewn letters...

(Brandi- act surprised when I finally swing by your house to drop them off...)

For Gabe's homeroom teacher (I'll be making one for his resource room teacher as well), the first decorated clipboard I've ever made...

For Steph, same bag for Gabe's shadow, only we bought the pattern with her in mind (then I found the fabric the shadow's is made with for her...)...

For Mary, my first camera strap and first envelope pillowcase...

I also made three sets of PJ bottoms for Gabe and Hope each, which there will NEVER be pictures of...yikes.

And I made my first photo board for a family tree for Carol, which I managed not to get pictures of apparently.

I attempted to make Hope and I new stockings for Christmas but gave up the fight after 10:30pm Christmas Eve night while still waiting for Santa to do his thing. I'll finish them up for next year I hope.

I had fun making most everything. Some projects were more fun then others but only based on which projects seemed to work out the way I wanted them to and on whether or not the things I used worked or not (don't ask how much spray adhesive I used or worthless Mod Podge or how often my seam ripper was used) . I DO hope that we have another tight Christmas soon as I really do like making things for people. Hope everyone had a Merry Christmas and has a wonderfully blessed New Year!

Old Man

2009-12-22T22:16:00.001-06:00

Happy Birthday to my old man! Getting up there aren't ya'??

Crafty

2009-12-21T22:40:00.001-06:00

So my crafty Christmas is now on the downward slope. Hoping I don't get burned out before I'm done with it all. I've been trying to be good about taking breaks to relieve the brain and so far so good. I'd show you some things but a lot of things I can't show for fear of letting the cat out of the bag. So I'll save up for a big "after Christmas" post. The best part of one of my breaks was rearranging my craft space. Mary gave us three cabinets from her house that she thought would be good for my stuff. I'll tell you what, they are AWESOME!!! Way better than I thought they'd be. I'm normally and all or nuthin' kind of girl. I'd rather totally complete a project than to be stuck somewhere between getting it off the ground and finishing it up. SO many of my projects have bit the dust because once my mind decides I need to move on to something else, I rarely go back. SO organizing my craft stuff has gotten a little overwhelming. So much stuff and no idea who, what, when, where, or why. So when Mary offered these cabinets I thought "yeah, okay, it'll get me started." But they fit almost EVERYTHING. Almost. It is way better than having scrapbook stuff here and sewing stuff there and card making stuff somewhere yonder and oh yeah that kid crafty stuff is around here somewhere... Anyway, having everything organized, at least in my head, has given me the added push I needed to get goin'. I don't feel as overwhelmed. Still some organizing to be done but for now....whew. Just for fun, here is proof of one of today's breaks:

Am I Really That Busy?

2009-12-13T22:51:00.001-06:00

As I was sitting here just now thinking about this post, it hit me. I've been thinking a lot recently about how much I miss the "me" time or "alone" time that I had in college. Some of my best memories were made while seeking a quiet place to think. A time to pray about things on my mind. A time to write poetry. A time when I could sit and just be amazed at God's goodness and the beauty around me. I did this often...even if it was from my bedroom or on a cold night at a park (secretly being followed by a dear friend that was concerned for my safety alone in the dark). I've been missing those times. I miss putting my feet in a cold creek bed while smelling cedar and reading God's word. I keep thinking that I wish I had the time to do those things again. Then I think about why it is that I AM so busy (time wise) and how exceedingly blessed I am. Then I remember that, Lord willing, those times will come again when my children are gone and I'll be able to take my hubby with me in silence. If the Lord chooses to bless me with continued life, those times will come. For now, I give all of me to God through staying home. To my kids. To my hubby. To the things He gave me. And I DO spend much time thinking and praise God for these gifts. But what hit me was this: those times, that I remember so fondly, were times that my heart was concerned about my future. Colleges, career, husband, kids, family, marriage, etc... And today, none of those things seem to concern me. Don't get me wrong, they are extremely important to me, however, I no longer "worry" over them. Whether my heart is happy over answered prayers, or that I've learned some about trusting God to care for me the best way ever, I'm not sure. At this moment, I feel that He has it so well handled, that as long as I continue to look to Him, I no longer need those "alone" times. My alone times now involve much singing, praising, and working (cause we all know the house won't clean itself and the laundry doesn't know how much soap to use on its own). I still may like some "alone" time like I had before but I'm not sure what I'd be thinking about exactly... Maybe I'll try it soon and see what happens... But right now, my kitchen is begging to be cleaned...

Oh Really?!

2009-12-09T21:27:00.001-06:00

So I've been told to document these things... And I'll kill myself later if I don't do it.

The other day (SEVERAL weeks at least) I was sitting at my computer in the late afternoon like I do most every day. Hope is down for her nap and Gabe is under strict orders (like every day) to be quiet and not wake her up. How this normally works is Gabe eventually gets louder and louder until I can't stand it anymore and threaten him within a inch of his life about what will happen if he wakes her up. Anyway, I was sitting there and enjoying the quiet when this slight noise met my ears. Everyone knows this sound. It is the sound of scotch tape being pulled from the roll. Now Gabe in the past several months thinks tape is the best invention ever. He will cut stuff up just so he can tape things together. No one can figure out what he makes, but... he just is how he is. It is bad enough with the tape that you shouldn't be surprised by finding tape stuck to your sock as you walk through our house. It is EVERYWHERE! Because tape does not grow on trees and therefore can get pricey at this rate, he is limited to having to ask us for use of the tape dispenser (when he has the ability to peel it from the roll, I don't know what I'll do :P). This particular day, no such permission has been given. So this sound means someone is about to be in trouble. I casually, and with as much noise as I could without waking up Hope, make my way down the stairs to the source of this disturbance to my quiet afternoon. As I make my way down, I hear loud shuffling of things and a kitchen drawer slam shut. He has not yet learned the subtle art of hiding incriminating evidence, for which I'm thankful. I approach this scene with calmness. "So, what'cha doin'?" I ask. He lays his "toy" down on the counter and replies so nicely, "Nuthin'." This makes me pause, "Really? It doesn't sound like "nuthin'"?" And then he comes back with this: he slants his head and rotates his hips away and says, "oh, you don't need to worry about it." I must admit, I cracked. With a grin-trying-to-look-stern, said, "oh really!!" and proceeded to walk him through this logic. Oh the boy has guts and nerve baby. That phrase is a phrase I use a lot when he asks about things that he doesn't need to know about or wouldn't understand anyway (like some scenes on TV or if I have a reaction to something I've been reading). Nothing like having your words thrown so innocently back in your face. HA!

Gabe has recently had some gastrointestinal issues. Basically throwing up for no known cause. Completely random. No accompanying symptoms. Just one or two quick heaving and then he is fine. Once a day or so. He started one day and we assumed it was the chicken he ate for lunch since some chicken seems to do that to him (Chik-Fil-A and Tyson frozen nuggets do it). The next day I chalked it up to he hadn't cleared his system. The next day he was fine. The following day school called before class had even started to send him home. That day we started limiting his diet. Heavy sugary things were out. Which meant is favorite drink (Sprite) and his favorite snacks. He went a couple days after that as normal as ever. Three days later when I was getting my routine done before going to bed I heard that sound. The sound every mother loves. Throwing up, in bed, at night, all over the carpet. Yay. So I clean everything up and make sure he has a barf bucket next to him when he goes back to sleep. I tell Tony what has happened when I crawl into bed. The next morning, Gabe asks for something specific for breakfast (I was still in bed) from Tony. I'm guessing based on the conversation that it was Pop-Tarts or something. Tony tells him no and that his tummy needs another break. Gabe insists that he is "feeling better?" (Gabe talks with an inflection in his voice like he is always asking a question). Tony says that he can't have it since he threw up the night before. To which Gabe stoically voices "you didn't see me!" as if that settles the matter. Apparently Gabe still thinks that if you didn't witness something...it never happened. HA!

I know there are more but that is all I can think of at the moment...

Moolah

2009-12-09T20:17:00.001-06:00

Well, we finally made contact with a property manager to rent out the house. Sounds so promising. Apparently, all the houses in our neighborhood that are being rented all have tenants. Which means we have a good neighborhood for acquiring renters. Yay! Also means that we can hopefully get more in rent than we thought we'd be getting. We might even be able to come close to breaking even for our mortgage instead of coming up with several hundred out of pocket every month. Double yay!!

On another front, we still haven't figured out what to do with the car. Tony's car hasn't been touched in weeks and is still just sitting there. We can't yet decide if we are going to scrap her or if we will be able to come up with the hopefully minimum amount to fix her. We'd fix her if we could come up with the money. We don't have the cash to fix her with all the house stuff and moving stuff going on....and Christmas... But, we can't afford to buy another car. So option A is try to find a couple hundred dollars extra to fix it while also trying to pay for all the other things we need to do, or option B is to scrap her and get a little cash to help with these expenses but have no second car for at least a year. Either way we are taking a hit with the car on top of the hit on the house needing some tending to.

Lee is already booked for a trip back to Texas. I, personally, have given up on him getting sold and with his continuing lameness issues don't feel comfortable with selling or even leasing him out. So that money we had been sorta hoping for isn't going to be coming at all.

In an attempt to conserve our cash, my Christmas presents this year will be...not much. No one out of town will be getting anything until probably around Valentine's. We'll call them Valmas presents. People here in town will get something handmade from whatever stash of craft stuff I have on hand. My problem is that I think I've over stretched myself on the projects so some presents might be late...we'll see. I've got a couple done but only because those items I felt would be easier (mostly because they have actually been decided on while many other things I haven't figure out what to do yet). I'm trying though.

One day at a time....

Thanksgiving Eve

2009-11-25T23:59:00.001-06:00

So I'm now 29 years old and for the first time in my memory helped make my first batch of rice krispie treats! Tony did all the work, as usual, but I helped by pouring the krispies in while he stirred. We will test them out tomorrow.

I have decided that I'm seriously going to miss Publix after we leave. Never in my life have I loved a store as much. Night before Thanksgiving we decide to cook for the big day. That of course required a trip to the store. I went prepared to spend half the night in there. We were there less than an hour, which included a long wait while Daddy picked out coffee (I mean seriously....how long does it take to pick one???), looking for spices (why does it take so long to find spices when they are alphabetized?), and forgetting an item or two and going back. The best part...we didn't have to wait in line...at ALL!!! Gotta love Publix.

The big news...Hope is almost potty trained!! We have had two outings now that did not require a change of clothes! She has been wearing big girl undies for more than a week and has had few accidents. She tells us when she needs to go and we never have to remind her or ask her. She has a little trouble with holding it in the car. I don't know if it is distractions, or if it is just the cozy feeling of sitting in her car seat. We are working on it though. She seems to be completely unfazed by public restrooms and washing her hands is her favorite task, even at home.

Gabe spent most of the past few days sick. Not the feverish, snotty, tired kind of sick. Just the puking kind. And random. Not right after eating. Not all day. Just once or twice a day since Saturday. He even went to school all day Monday but waited until he was home. Was sent home from school by 7:30 AM on Tuesday for throwing up. It was weird. But today....almost completely back to normal. We took yesterday down to liquid diet and added bland stuff today. He is back to begging for food all day every day. Poor fella needs some good calories now.

I haven't seen Lee in 3 weeks!! I'm in withdrawal. I'm going to steal away for a couple hours tomorrow to ride. Just take a nice trail ride since Lee has been in training for a week and a half with the barn owner and I'm not sure when I'll get to ride again. We have kinda given up on selling him and have started making plans for his return to Texas. Which makes me happy and sad...for many reasons that we won't go into yet.

Tony is well on his way into outprocessing. Need some paperwork back from Gabe's dentist, doctor, and school since he is technically in the "exceptional family member" dept., but we are mostly set. He is happy to say that he should only have one more week of being on-call.....forever. Lord willing, by the time he finishes this teaching assignment in Wichita Falls, he will have promoted out of having that wonderful duty. He is a happy man about that.

It isn't looking good for Tony's car however. We are looking at already over $300 for the parts (used) that we KNOW we have to fix. A) we don't have that much, much less the more than that it will most likely take B) it isn't worth that much to begin with really. We will wait until we get estimates on scrapping her before making a decision.

And as much as I would love to end this with a whole list of things I'm thankful for....I don't have time to list them all as I'm so abundantly blessed. I try not to take too much for granted but honestly, I KNOW I do but I'm exceedingly thankful for all the gifts in my life. Thank you Father for all of it. It is all from You.

2 Months

2009-11-24T23:00:00.001-06:00

2 Months from now we will be leaving. Leaving SC for TX. Something we've been striving for for about 5 years. Suddenly it seems too close. Too close to saying good-bye. I'm not ready.

I don't make friends easily. When I do make friends, they become a deep part of me. And when they go for whatever reason it seems like a part of me is being ripped out. I KNOW when I move, I'll be back where I was 5 years ago of wanting to go back. We moved here and I just wanted to go home. Now we are moving closer to home but in such a new place that all I'll want is to move back here. My friends here are such that here has become home. And the more friends I leave behind the harder it is for me to make new ones. I figure by the time I make friends in TX it will be time to move again. This is only a three year assignment that cannot be extended. It took me three years here before making friends. I don't want to leave. 2 months is just much too close. I don't want to be alone again but I'd rather be alone than feel this way again 3 years from now. I can't imagine life without the people I have now. I'm not going to handle this well at all....

Guilt

2009-11-15T23:46:00.001-06:00

I have a couple blogs (from unmet people) that I read and come across every so often. I usually go back because I feel some kind of connection with them. A couple blogs written by moms of sick children recently have mentioned feeling a sense of guilt over their sick baby(ies) being healed. They wonder why their child was spared when so many others just as loved, prayed for, and wanted as theirs passed on. I know that place. I know that feeling. I saw some pretty nasty things in the NICU while we were there for 123 days. I will NOT go into detail. Just down right horrible things, for our child and many others. I also can come from a small place of knowing down right horrible physical pain. When you have an emergency c-section without proper pain killers... I CAN say with certainty that God only gives what you can bear. But even this thought has made me feel bad, as I think, "how weak I must be that God thinks I can't handle A-B-C!" And this is where all that leads me:

We know not why God does what He does and frankly, who do we think we are to question it?? Who made man? I feel that God's reasons are many. Whose to say that the child that didn't make it wasn't put here to teach a very specific lesson to those effected. Maybe parental love. Maybe the pain of losing a child (Jesus). Maybe to open the hearts of those around. Maybe to teach one of a hundred different lessons. That child did what God needed for that child to do and spared that child the sinful life he/she would have eventually lived . I know that so many of my lessons on God and learning about Him and understanding Him came upon this battlefield we call the NICU. Things I would never have learned. These lessons have helped mold me into the person I am today. Without them, I really don't know where I'd be. I doubt I'd be married to Tony and all the blessings I have now would never have come to be. For those that have lost their child, I'm sorry that they have endured such tragedy, but God has allowed these things to occur for His reasons. To teach, to mold, to make His children who He needs/wants for them to be. I wish it didn't have to happen that way, but He knows way better than we do what is needed. Some may say, why put a child through such misery to teach US? But I know for fact, that God can wipe the memory of pain and how much more do we learn by knowing of the pain these things have on ourselves and others? I remember very little of my surgery. Tony on the other hand REMEMBERS. What lessons God may have had for Tony that day, I don't know. But I know God wiped those moments from my conscience. I don't remember. Not all people can say their physical pain wasn't remembered, but back to my point about lessons learned and things taught through the pain. I hate that our sinful nature causes such extremes to be needed at all, but apparently they are needed as God loves us enough to put HIS child through this kind of pain ON PURPOSE to save us. No parent would chose this kind of pain on purpose, but God loved us enough to do it. The life that one person has may not lead another to the same understanding and knowledge. We are all different, we all need different things by which to learn. I remember being saddened by my visits to the NICU but more vividly remember the joy by having one more day with my child even if he was on a ventilator. I knew God never promised I'd take Gabe home, and I honestly never expected it. I mean no one did. So I strived with every visit to make it one of joy because I'd likely not have another chance (little did we all know...). I no longer have guilt over my blessings, and after my pregnancy with Hope, since she has also been deemed a "miracle," I DO wonder what lessons God has for me now with their lives and struggles we have ahead. God is making me who He wants me to be. I just have to be open to the lesson.

So Much To Do

2009-11-03T23:13:00.001-06:00

Things continue to pile.

This weekend Kai will be heading back to Wisconsin. He and Gabe aren't getting a long very well and therefore, Kai is going back to his breeder where I'm praying he will do VERY well and become the show dog he was meant to be. I have lots to do before he goes.

This weekend is a friend's baby shower and I'm crazy busy trying to finish up a couple gifts and mail them out. This was very last minute for me and I'm sad to say that I might miss the shower...hurry hurry...

I have this queen size quilt to finish that I'd like to give to our very bestamist friend before we go.

Lee will begin jump training (me too) on Thursday but since we've been down to one car since last Tuesday I've only been able to get out there once. You will never know how much I HATE this...having one car. It sucks ducks.

We are waiting for our refund on our Christmas plane tickets so we can get some things started on the house (and car and bills and glasses for Gabe and whatever else manages to fall apart between now and then). We owe Geralds a chunk of change for a car that is totaled less than two months later...grrrrrr. We have a car to repair (please, God, let it be able to BE fixed). We really need to get Gabe new glasses as it has been about a month since they died. Makes me wish I had Mr. Weasley around to repair them.

Tony wants to open up our perfectly beautiful pumpkins to roast seeds...poor beautiful pumpkins...

And of course we won't talk about the house work needing to be done so we can rent this place out in a couple months.

Less than three months before we have to be out...

Fun Times

2009-10-28T23:23:00.001-05:00

So life continues in the way that life tends to go. This past week Tony was on call (tonight is the last night). Monday afternoon he is told that there will be contractors working during the night and that someone *ahem, ahem, cough, cough* will need to be available to shut off the water lines. So after putting in a full day shift, he is required to go back, still be on call for emergencies, AND baby-sit contractors for the night. On his way home Tuesday morning at a busy intersection, his light turned yellow with enough time for him to cross. However, the school bus on the other side turning decided to try to beat the light... Tony's car is toast. Tony did the best he could to save himself but the car took the brunt. Since we are car ignorant, we are hoping that someone with enough knowledge can help us salvage the thing. No tickets were issued for the accident and no responsibility claimed. We only have liability on his car so will receive nothing to help with the expenses.

Tuesday evening my mom gets a call from the trainer of the lady that was going to buy Lee. The conversation went quickly downhill. I could say lots of not nice things about dressage people but will refrain for the good ones out there...I know at least ONE (Karen, you don't count as you do eventing). So needless to say Lee will not be going to that home. My hopes of selling him soon seem to be fading.

We can add these things to the ever mounting pile of stresses we've been accumulating recently. Fun times...fun times.

There Was a Time

2009-10-28T00:09:00.001-05:00

There was a time when I'd have done anything for horses. There was a time when I couldn't imagine my life without them. There was a time when my every waking moment NOT consumed with school was completely devoted to all things equine. I remember sitting and planning which equine specialty college I'd be attending, I think I was about 12. I remember being completely stoked that I'd qualified my backyard horse for a regional championship show. I remember having a major crush on any man that was decent and loved his horse. I rode everything from 3 day eventers to mustangs to endurance horses to foxhunters to western pleasure champions. I remember the crushing blow of realizing I would never get to go to the horse colleges because they were just too darn expensive. I went to Texas A&M. I worked at the horse center. I quit school at 19 when a professor I'd met twice found me a job as a full time trainer (13 hour days). I worked like a dog for 3 months. 3 glorious months. During those 3 months I was told by many how talented I was. I learned so much. I worked for a world-renowned trainer. I was living my dream. I couldn't have been happier. Long story short...I quit. I was stupid. My dream died that day. The next day I was gone. Headed home. I tried in vain to recapture my dream. I searched for jobs. Found many but none I was comfortable with. I even almost left my future husband for a job in Michigan. Then life hit. Life hit hard. Husband within 7 months of the death of my dream. And before the 11 month mark, I was a mom of an extremely premature baby with a poor prognosis. I wouldn't ride again for years. My dream slowly slipped away. My mom kept her horses. I'd get to pet on them and help with chores when we were around but my life was too involved in being a new wife and mom (much of that time in severe postpartum depression). I was 20 when Gabe was born. Fast forward. A year ago, I was happy without horses. Then in February my mom and I decided to get me back into it. She sent me Lee. I've slowly worked myself back up into thinking about my old dream. Started enjoying myself. Found someone to teach me things I've never learned before. And today, I was again told how talented I am. There was a time when that kind of talk from someone like her would have had me dancing on cloud nine for months. Today, I'm scared. I really don't know what to do with this information. Come January I'll be horseless again when we move back to Texas. I will no longer have this wonderful lady to teach me. I don't know why this had to happen now of all times. I was HAPPY WITHOUT them!! Now, when that little light has been cast back on old dreams, I find myself losing it. What was the point? I'm scared to get back into it for fear I won't measure up to what others think I'm capable of. I'm scared that other things that are so important will slip away. I'm scared of so many different things on both sides of this that I can't even think straight. Horses were all I knew for 20 years. But my life just doesn't seem to be going that way. Now I doubt my actions and thoughts for the past 9 years. I have no idea what God would have me do. The me I wish I was would have just decided and moved on by now. I hate being scared.

I can never express the depth to which I used to devour any thing horse. And I can never express the depth to which I'm terrified of allowing myself to think of going back to that.

Just For Fun

2009-10-24T22:38:00.001-05:00

First Project

2009-10-23T22:40:00.001-05:00

Gabe came home a couple weeks ago with his first "school project." Worth two test grades. Must be student made....ha! We won't go into why I laugh at this. Anyway, Tony's idea was clay. Gabe had to show a landform that would have a water feature. Here is what the boys came up with (and Hope got her some homemade playdoh to make a landform with too):

I didn't, however, get a picture of the completed project. But other than the labels and a slightly more squished river... that is the end result. Gabe picked mountains, he only wanted two, and his river wasn't meant to be curvy. I'm just hoping it made to to class in one piece today....

For those of you noticing that Gabe isn't wearing his glasses...he lost the lens on one pair and within a week let his sister play with his other pair which are now bent beyond repair... Now we get to order new pairs because we couldn't afford the warranty for the glasses when we purchased them...

I Got Some

2009-10-21T23:12:00.001-05:00

Okay, TODAY was the day. I got some Gabe pics. However, in an effort to keep my blog in some sort of order, and because the world may come to an end if I don't at least attempt to post pics in the order they were taken, today I will show you the cute pictures I got yesterday of Hope. These were taken after our morning ride and while letting Lee graze a little before turning him out to his pasture.

"CEEEEZZZEE"

"WHAT is THIS?"

"and WHY is this one so big?"

"ah, a hand hold to walk on this thing on the ground...sweet!"

"I bet you can't see me!"

"ah, nuts, you found me."

"if I come closer, are you going to eat my cheerios?"

"maybe if I hold this thing, I can keep your head down so you won't get them..."

"hey, Mama, that feels weird..."

"let's try this one..."

"hee hee, these are funny..."

"now, what was I doing before that??"

"oh yes, eating my cheerios"

"my Cheerios are all gone! the horror!! got to be some I dropped around here somewhere...."

"Ha HA, success!!!!"